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Angels in the Snow
E!E!E!E!E!E!
"Hey Roy, come here, you have just got to see this." Johnny is standing in front of a big bay window overlooking the front yard of the cabin that he had rented for their stay at Big Bear. Roy walked into the living room of the cabin and slowly approached his love. Slipping his arms around Johnny's waist, he looked out the window and saw what Johnny was so excited about. It had started snowing. Big fluffy flakes of white stuff were gently falling from the slate gray sky that had been there since they had arrived earlier this morning. "It's beautiful, babe. I'm glad you chose this place to spend the next week." He turned Johnny around and kissed him lightly on the lips and hugged him even gentler than he had ever done before. The last run they'd had before they got off had been a real doozy. A three-alarm fire that had left them sore and tired but mostly had left Johnny sporting two fractured ribs and a sprained wrist when the part of the building they were searching decided to explode. Sending John flying against a wall and landing on his right arm just right. He refused to stay in the hospital and Dr. Brackett released him only because he knew that Roy would be with him so if anything happened help wasn't far away. Roy released Johnny from his grip and stared out the window with a wistful look on his face. "I love you, you know." That said he walked back into the kitchen to finish getting dinner ready. This first night he decided that he wouldn't make a big production out of the evening meal so he just made macaroni and cheese and fried up some hamburgers and tossed a salad. Johnny sulked into the kitchen and sat down on the stool that was at the bar that separated the kitchen from the dining room. He looked at Roy and wondered what was wrong with his partner, "Are you alright Love?" he asked quietly as if to speak louder would be wrong. Roy looked at Johnny and saw the hurt there in his chocolate brown eyes and sucked in his breath,' wonder what's wrong with him'. he thought saying instead "Yeah, I'm fine. Why'd ya ask?" No sooner were those words out of his mouth than he saw that he'd made a mistake. He saw something in those eyes shut down. "No reason, uh, just wonderin’. Look I'll get outta here so you can finish dinner, I didn't mean to interrupt you." Johnny steeled himself as he walked stiffly out of the kitchen. He sat down on the couch that faced the window and stared at the falling snow. The sun was setting and the sky got darker and the snow was getting harder to see, but he just continued staring out the window wondering if he made a mistake. 'I know Roy loves me, so why do I feel like I shouldn't have brought him here?' he thought to himself. "Johnny?" Roy said as he laid his hands on the shoulders of his best friend, partner and lover, "Did I do something wrong?" Johnny started and looked at Roy as if he said something utterly stupid. "What? No, you didn't do anything wrong! If anything I should apologize to you. I mean I had to have done something wrong. You've been avoiding me since we got here and when you do touch me you treat me as if you were only doing your duty and then you would go off and do something else. I feel as if I pissed you off and now you can't bear to touch me." By the time he got to the last sentence, tears were streaming down his face, and he had curled himself into a ball on the couch. Roy looked at his lover and came around the couch and pulled Johnny into his arms, "Damn, babe I am so sorry I didn't realize that I was ignoring you, I was being gentle so as not to hurt your ribs or wrist. I didn't mean to make you feel like you were in trouble with me. Damn I am so, so sorry. Forgive me?" He lightly kissed the lips he so wanted and then felt Johnny respond. He intensified the kiss requesting permission to enter by running his tongue over his lips. Slowly entering his loves mouth tasting all there was and enjoying every minute. He pulled back needing to catch his breath and wiped the tears off Johnny's face and then held the face and spoke quietly to him, "I love you Johnny. I would never intentionally hurt you. I don't know what I did to make you feel that I would do this aside from ignoring you sometime today. What can I do to prove that I didn't do this on purpose?" John stared into Roy's eyes and tried to smile, he tried very hard not to cry anymore. He knew how much it upset him to see the tears fall. "I'm sorry Roy. I, uhm, I didn't mean to hurt you. I don't know what's wrong with me. I..." his voice gave out then and he put his head down on Roy's shoulder and sighed heavily. Roy rubbed his back knowing that when Johnny was ready he would talk about what was bothering him. He could smell the burgers and released himself from Johnny's grip and went to put the food on the table. They ate in silence as quickly as possible. Roy pushed his plate away from him and picked up his glass. He drank slowly from the glass of tea. When he finished he picked up his plate and utensils and went into the kitchen and started doing the dishes. Johnny usually helped him by rinsing or drying, but he was still sitting at the table pushing his food around on his plate not eating anything. He sighed and stood to take his still full plate into the kitchen. After putting the stuff by the sink he gave Roy a peck on the cheek then went upstairs to the master bathroom. Stripping he turned on the shower and put the towel over the warming rack. He stepped into the deep shower and closed the door behind him. He leaned his head against the wall and let the water cascade over his smooth body. He got out after ten minutes. Drying off he thought that maybe he could sleep now hat his ribs weren't hurting as much. He put the brace back on his wrist and crawled into bed pulling the covers tight against his body. Roy finished the kitchen and sat down on the couch watching the snow fall until he heard the water turn off in the bathroom. He went slowly upstairs after turning off all the lights and checking the wood supply for morning. He entered the room quietly and stood watching Johnny sleep. He stripped for bed and gently crawled in and spooned himself behind his love. He kissed his hair then fell off to sleep.
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Roy woke up slowly, savoring his position wrapped around Johnny and warm as toast. He stretched as best he could and pressed his lips to his loves temple. He removed himself from the bed and padded softly into the bathroom. After doing his thing he turned on the shower and climbed in. While letting the warm water caress his body he said a silent prayer that whatever was bothering Johnny would let him be to enjoy their much needed vacation. As he was washing he heard a blood curdling scream. Roy couldn't get out of the shower fast enough. He ran to the bed seeing Johnny sitting upright with his eyes wide open but not seeing. "Easy there Johnny. It's just a dream. Shhh." Roy had grown so used to the dreams, he had worked so hard with him over the past year that they had been together to rid him of the nightmares that had plagued him most of his life. Johnny had a bad patch earlier in the year and had to go through therapy. Everyone close to the partners knew of Johnny's upbringing and that his Uncle had tried to kill him several months ago. The nightmares had disappeared after the trial that had sent his uncle to prison for a very long time. Roy spoke softly to John while rubbing his hand up and down the bare back. Johnny's breathing slowed and the tears stopped running down his face. His eyes were still closed and his breathing took on that of one who was asleep. Roy laid him gently back hoping that he hadn't injured his ribs some more. Roy went down to the kitchen and made some coffee. He then started a fire in the living room knowing that Johnny would want to warm up by the fire when he got up. While thinking about breakfast he heard Johnny upstairs walking around. A grin formed on his ruddy Irish face. 'I hope he's in a better mood today.' He thought while he got the oatmeal down from the cupboard. "Mornin," Johnny said around a huge yawn, "MMM, coffee smells good. What's for breakfast?" He was secretly hoping that Roy wouldn't say anything about what had happened the night before. He was totally embarrassed about acting like he did. He had no idea what was wrong, all he knew was that he felt out of sorts. Like something was lurking back inside his brain just waiting for the right time to come out and play. "Uh, Johnny?" Roy started, "about last night, I'm sorry I upset you I didn't mean to hurt you. I love you..." Roy's voice gave out when he looked at his love and saw terror in his eyes. "Oh, damn. What's wrong babe? You know you can tell me. I won't get mad I promise. Remember I made that promise to you when you were going through the trouble with your Uncle. I will not hurt you. Speak to me Johnny!" Roy realized that his voice was getting louder as he spoke ending up almost yelling at his lover. Johnny looked at Roy and stared at him. 'No he thought. Not again, I can't let this happen again'. He turned and ran out the front door heedless of the fact that he wore only his jeans and a Henley and no shoes. He crashed out into the snow and fell to his knees, sobbing he got to his feet and started walking as fast as he could. He didn't know where to go only that he needed to think, to clear the images out of his mind. He saw Roy mad at him and shaking him. He couldn't understand it. Roy had said that he would never hurt him yet he was yelling at him and he didn't know why. Johnny fell again to the snow covered ground and dropped his head into his hands and sobbed. Roy caught up to Johnny five minutes later carrying John's coat and a blanket. He wrapped the blanket around his love and trying to calm him down," What's wrong, babe? Does it have something to do with the dream you had this morning?" Johnny looked at Roy snuffling and wiping his nose on the sleeve of his shirt, "What do you mean Roy. You're not mad at me? I thought I did something to piss you off. Isn't that why you were yelling? And I didn't have a dream this morning, you know I don't have the nightmares anymore." Roy pulled Johnny up to his bare feet and wrestled him into his coat then rewrapping the blanket around him he walked him back to the cabin. He held him close to his body as he walked them as quickly as he could. He could feel Johnny shivering as the cold and snow worked their little job on him. Roy just knew that he was going to have a sick lover on his hands. Roy got Johnny back to the cabin and took him upstairs. He undressed him as he filled the tub with warm water. Johnny hadn't said anything since the confrontation in the snow. He wasn't crying anymore but not a word had come from his mouth. He shook violently from the cold, Roy hurried and got him into the tub. Then he undressed and climbed in behind his love and wrapped his arms around him. "Johnny? Are you in there? Come on babe, speak to me, please. I really need to hear your voice right now. Just tell me that you aren't mad at me. Oh God, please speak to me Johnny." Tears started streaming down Roy's face as he thought back to another time when Johnny had gotten this quiet. Roy lifted Johnny's left hand and kissed the inside of his wrist where the faint scar was from the failed suicide attempt. "Do not shut me out John! I mean it. I couldn't handle it if you shut me out." Roy spoke quietly, barely above a whisper. He kissed his love's neck and face in hopes of getting a response from him. They sat in the tub until the water cooled down. Roy stood up then pulled Johnny up and stepped out of the tub. Johnny just stood there not looking at anything just staring off into space. Roy started really worrying now. He helped Johnny out of the tub and dried him off. He then took him into the bedroom and put a pair of sweats and a tee shirt on him. He then grabbed a couple of pillows and walked downstairs. After making a nest of blankets and pillows on the couch that faced the fireplace, he stoked the fire and put more wood on to burn. He then went back upstairs and brought Johnny down and got him settled on the couch. He checked his right wrist and made sure that the brace wasn't too tight. Roy came out of the kitchen with two cups of hot apple cider. He set them down on the coffee table then sat down on the couch. He picked up his book and started reading while he sipped at the warm drink. "Hey Johnny, you need to wake up now love. Come on open those beautiful brown eyes for me. I really need to see them." Johnny slowly opened his eyes and looks at Roy. "How did I get here?" he asked. "What's going on Roy?" He was getting really agitated. "I was just in the kitchen a few minutes ago and now I am on the couch?" Roy looked at Johnny and quietly told him what had happened, he was careful not to get excited during the story telling. "Johnny that was over three hours ago. You got upset at something I said then you ran out into the snow with no coat or shoes on. I found you a quarter of a mile away down on your knees crying. I brought you back to the cabin and warmed you up in the tub. You wouldn't talk to me. You never even made a sound or looked at me. You've been asleep for the last hour and a half." This said he handed Johnny the cup of cider hoping that he would drink the warm liquid. "I remember having a dream where you were yelling at me Roy. I mean really yelling at me. I didn't know what I had done to piss you off. It was so real. Why were you mad at me?" Johnny sobbed the last words out. Roy reached over and pulled him into his arms. "Hush now my love. I am not mad at you. I couldn't be mad at you while we are in this place. I love you, you big goof. I want you to be happy again. Tell me why you are having the dream. Did I somehow do something that upset you?" "Oh Roy, I'm so sorry. Don't cry, I'm not upset anymore. Please don't cry. Don't be mad at me. I didn't mean it. Honest I'll never do it again, I promise. Just don't be mad." By now Roy was really confused. What was Johnny talking about? He rarely got mad at him and when he did, it was over in a matter of minutes. Roy took Johnny into his arms and proceeded to hug the stuffing out of his skinny lover. He never wanted him to think that he was mad or upset with him ever again.
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Roy woke with Johnny still in his arms and both wrapped securely in the blankets on the couch. It had started snowing again. Harder this time. He felt Johnny shiver and laid his hand on his forehead. 'Damn, a fever' Roy thought as he untangled himself so he could get some aspirin for his love. "Johnny. Wake up love. Come on wake up for me." Roy gently shook his shoulder hoping not to startle him, "I need you to take this aspirin." Johnny started then looked around. "My throat hurts Roy. Please take the pain away." Johnny whined softly as he sat up. He took the aspirin and swallowed them with some water. Then he took the cup of warm cider from Roy and sipped at it. "What time is it?" he rasped out. "It's a little after three babe. Are you hungry?" Roy tried to keep his voice even and calm sounding "You missed breakfast and lunch." He looked expectantly at Johnny. "Uh...Yeah I am kinda hungry. Is there any soup. Maybe Tomato?" He sounded like someone who had very little self-assurance and a lot like a child. Roy grinned at him," Sure baby I can make you some tomato soup. Would you like a sandwich too? Maybe a grilled cheese sandwich?" "Yea, that sounds good. Uh, I need to get up. Can you help me. My ribs are kinda achy and my wrist is a little sore. I also need to piss something awful." With this said and help standing he walked slowly upstairs and to the bathroom. Roy made the promised soup and sandwiches while he listened to his partner as he went about his business. When he heard the water shut off he had everything ready to go on the table. He set the bowls of steaming soup on two placemats on the breakfast bar, then turned back to get the plate of sandwiches just as Johnny came down the stairs. "Smells good Roy. I think I can eat it all." He sat on the barstool he had sat on this morning. He picked up the cup of hot cider and took a tentative sip. "My throat hurts a lot though. I hope I'm not getting sick on you. I know how much you've been looking forward to this vacation." Johnny ate two bowls of soup and two sandwiches before he declared himself full. Taking his stuff to the sink he started washing the dishes. Roy watched in wonder. Johnny never took the initiative when it came to any kind of house work, especially the dishes. He took his stuff in and gave Johnny a gentle hug. "I love you." Roy whispered in his ear. "Meet me upstairs when you're through. I have a surprise for you." With that he left to go upstairs. He didn't feel Johnny stiffen when he said the words. Johnny hung his head and sighed. He didn't know how to tell Roy. He was scared, he didn't know what was going to happen. He didn't want to get hurt. He remembered back to when he was twelve and something that his Uncle used to do. He couldn't go through that again. Roy waited almost a half an hour before he decided to see what was taking Johnny so long. When he reached the bottom of the stairs he heard the whimpering. 'Not again' Roy sighed. He walked into the kitchen and called softly, "Johnny, babe? Where are you?" Not seeing him in the kitchen he looked in the living room, still not seeing him but still hearing him he continued his search of the two story structure. Johnny was hiding in the back of the walk in coat closet. He was sure he wouldn't be found by his Uncle if he was real quiet. He wasn't aware that he was even whimpering. The door opened slowly and someone was pushing the coats out of the way, "Johnny? Babe, are you in here?" Roy stepped into the closet and looked around. What he saw took his breath away. "Oh Johnny, baby I am so sorry."
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Roy reached for Johnny. Johnny threw his head back and screamed as loud as he could. Roy jumped back quickly and left him sitting there. He closed the door leaving it slightly ajar so that Johnny could come out if he wanted without worrying about getting hurt. He hadn't seen this coming, he called Dr. Birkholz back in L.A. hoping that he would have some answers for him. "I don't know how it happened. He was alright after work yesterday and we drove up to Big Bear right after we got off work. We arrived around 9:30 and he was just fine." "What else happened yesterday?" Dr. Birkholz asked gently, he needed to know what triggered this set back in Johnny's mental state. "It had started snowing and Johnny called me over to watch it fall. I then went into the kitchen to make dinner. While it was cooking Johnny came into the kitchen and started sulking, he asked me why I was ignoring him. He had been hurt early yesterday morning at a fire and I didn't want to hurt his sore ribs so I guess I kinda kept myself at a distance. Anyway I apologized for upsetting him and finished dinner. After he didn't eat he went upstairs and took a shower and went to bed. He slept the night through. I came up about an hour after he had gone up and found him asleep. I just climbed in bed behind him and held him all night." Roy stopped there to gather his resolve. He swiped at his eyes with the back of his hand, "While I was in the shower this morning he woke up screaming. You know like he would do about nine months ago when all the shit with the memories about his uncle surfaced? Any way I got him to go back to sleep, he never really woke up. I went down and fixed coffee and was just starting breakfast when he came in. I tried to apologize to him about last night and he got a strange look on his face." Dr. Birkholz sensed that there was something Roy wasn't saying, "What happened next, Roy?" "Uh, well Doc, ya see Johnny sorta took off. He ran outside without any shoes or a coat. I found him about a quarter of a mile away sitting in the snow crying his head off. I got him back to the cabin and into a tub of warm water. He wouldn't even talk to me. Nothing I did got a response. I took him downstairs so I could keep an eye on him. We slept on the couch for an hour or so. He ate soup and sandwiches for a late lunch. Then Johnny did the strangest thing, he did the dishes! Doc, he never does the dishes unless we're at the station and he's assigned the job. I mean it's like the worst thing he has to do. I went up to him and told him that I had a surprise for him upstairs when he was finished with the kitchen. I waited a half hour and when he never came upstairs I went looking for him." Tears were streaming down Roy's face now and he didn't think he could go on. "What came next Roy?" Dr. Birkholz quietly asked. "I need to know if I am to help you and Johnny through this crisis." "Oh, damn Doc. I found him huddled in the coat closet murmuring to himself about being quiet so that 'HE' doesn't find him. When I reached out to him he screamed as if someone was trying to kill him or something. I tell ya Doc, it scared the shit out of me. I mean I only wanted to help him and I can't touch him. What'll I do? Please. you have to help. We're stuck here. I don't know how to drive in the snow and Johnny's in no shape to drive." "Okay Roy, settle down. I will call in a prescription of tranquilizers to the local pharmacy and see if someone can deliver them to you. You need to get back as soon as possible. If you can't find some way down the mountain call me back and I'll see if I can come to you. We will work through this Roy, but you need to stay calm for both your sakes." Roy hung up a few minutes later. He looked up the number of the Rexall drug store in town and told them to expect the doctor's call and got some local kid to deliver it when the script was filled. Johnny snuck out of the closet while Roy was on the phone. He felt very sick and was afraid of what might happen if he threw up in the closet. He slowly went upstairs and went to the bathroom. He got there just in time to loose his lunch. Roy heard the toilet flush just as he hung up the phone. He ran upstairs and skidded to a halt outside the open bathroom door. Johnny was leaning over the toilet heaving and clutching at his ribs at the same time. He felt a cool cloth on the back of his neck and a strong hand on his back. He had no idea who it was. His uncle was supposed to be out working the horses and his aunt was at the store. He knew it couldn't be his cousin because he was away at college. Roy felt the body stiffen under his hand. He braced himself but still wasn't ready for the scream the came out of Johnny. "NO! Leave me alone. Don't touch me. I didn't do anything. Leave me alone, you bastard!" Johnny tried to stand up but he was just too weak, the fever had climbed steadily the last hour and was now well over 102 degrees. Roy tried to steady him but that just made it worse, so he just backed out of the bathroom and went and sat on the bed watching. Johnny sat on the floor by the tub waiting for the dizziness to go away. He didn't hear the knock at the door. Roy came back in the bathroom with pills in one hand and a glass of water in another. "Here Johnny, you need to be good and take these pills. They will help you feel better." Johnny looked up at Roy and sighed, "What's wrong with me Roy? I'm so scared" he said as he took the pills and water. "I don't know babe, but we will get to the bottom of whatever is bothering you." Johnny pushed himself to the standing position and walked shakily into the bedroom. "Do you want to lay down on the bed or downstairs on the couch?" Roy asked quietly. Johnny seemed not to hear him. He walked slowly downstairs and curled up on the couch. "Couch it is then." Roy said as he put more wood on the fire. Roy was just coming back in from getting more firewood when he glanced over to the couch where Johnny lay sleeping. A fine sheen of sweat had broken out over his body and he was tossing and turning and mumbling something about never doing it again. Suddenly Johnny let out an agonized scream and tried to get off the couch, but he was securely held down by the blankets that he was snuggled in. Roy reached out to help him and was rewarded for the effort with a strong right hook right in the jaw. The blow knocked him on his butt and left stars dancing in front of his eyes. When his vision cleared he saw that Johnny had again disappeared.
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Roy woke up with Johnny in his arms and the phone ringing. He slowly untangled himself and went to the phone. "Hello?" Roy heard Doctor Birkholz on the other end. "Yeah Doc, he seems okay now. We had disappearing act but he didn't leave the house. I found him curled up on the couch asleep with me when you called. The pills seemed to take a long time to go to work though." "At least he's safe. How's the weather up there? You think you can drive back to L.A.?" Roy looked out the window and saw that the snow was still falling and it had gotten dark. "No way Doc, it's snowing to beat the devil and darker than I have ever seen it. I don't trust my driving skills that much. His fever is still high but I think I can keep an eye on him." "Well, Roy, I guess I will drive on up then. It shouldn't take too long. It's 7:45 right now and if I leave in the next fifteen minutes I should be able to get up there by 11 tonight." Dr. Birkholz was serious. "Look Doc, you don't need to risk your neck coming up here tonight. You can wait until tomorrow." Roy wasn't certain that they could make it through the night without another outburst from Johnny. He needed help but didn't want to risk the Doc in the process. "That's okay Roy I grew up in Denver and am very good at driving in the snow and in the mountains. So, I'll see you both in a few hours. Keep the lights on for me." With that he broke the connection and left his office.
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part 2 Johnny started mumbling again as he tossed on the couch. Roy turned back from the window where he had been standing since the phone call from the doctor. "No, please don't touch me there." Johnny was heard whimpering. Roy's heart broke when he heard this. He sent a silent prayer that he could handle this. 'Damn it I thought this was over.' He thought. Johnny had been out of therapy for two months and hadn't had any night terrors for over three months. Roy couldn't figure out why the dreams were back and why they were invading his waking hours. This was worrying Roy more than the last time. Johnny didn't act like he was acting. He seemed to be losing touch with reality and Roy had no idea why. Roy's attention was brought back to John abruptly when he screamed. Roy ran to his side and scooped him up into his arms and began rocking. "Shh baby, it's okay. I won't let anyone hurt you ever again. Can you wake up for me? Huh, Johnny, babe? C'mon Johnny it's time to wake up and take some more medicine." Johnny slowly opened his eyes, they darted around looking for 'the enemy'. Not finding him he sighed and sat up on the couch. "Roy" he whispered," you here? Please be here." Roy came in from the kitchen carrying a glass of juice and two mugs of cocoa. He set them on the table and pulled two bottles out of his shirt pocket. He grinned down at Johnny and gently spoke to him, "Hi there sleepyhead, it's night already. I need you to take these pills okay? They'll make you feel better." Johnny reached up and took the pills from Roy and put them in his mouth. He drank them down with the juice and then cradled the mug of cocoa with both hands. "Why is it so cold in here Roy? Is the heat broke or something?" Johnny's lips were quivering slightly and he was shaking like a scared pup. "I'll throw some more wood on the fire, okay babe? Are you hungry? I know you didn't keep lunch down too well. Maybe some chicken soup?" "What time is it? I feel so out of it. I had this real strange dream. I tell ya Roy I am scared. Those fuckin' terrors are back. Why? Did I do something bad to make them return? Tell me dammit! WHAT DID I DO?" Johnny was standing now and reaching out for Roy. Roy pulled him into his arms and secured him to his chest while rubbing his hands up and down his back he felt Johnny relax under his ministrations. "Hush now baby. I have no idea why they're back. I called Dr. B and he's on his way here right now. All you need to do is get to feeling better and not worry about the dreams can you do that for me?" Johnny pushed back out of Roy's grip. "You called the doctor? Why? You think I've lost it is that right? You just want to get me out of the way! Bastard! I hate you Roy DeSoto! How dare you! I had a stupid dream and you think I need to see the fucking head doctor again. Well I don't need him! and I don't need you either!" Johnny stormed up the stairs and slammed the bedroom door behind him. Roy sank down on the couch and sobbed. He was still sitting there at 11 pm when the doctor arrived.
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He was hiding in the bathroom. Thinking that if he is quiet then he was safe. Why is this happening to me? he was thinking to himself. He couldn't understand what he had done to deserve the treatment he was getting from people who were supposed to be family. It was hard for his brain to comprehend. Johnny heard the door bell ring downstairs and his breath started coming in deep, fast gasps just short of hyperventilating.
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Roy answers the door and admits Dr. Birkholz into the living room. He offers him a cup of coffee knowing that he probably was cold and tired. "Thanks Roy. Uh, where is Johnny? Have you found him yet?" "He's hiding upstairs. He threw a tantrum when I told him that you were coming up to talk to him. I tell ya doc, he's lost it. He thinks he's back in Montana and that he's just a kid. He didn't hit his head on the last run the other day so I don't know what is causing this behavior." Roy was pacing the room almost in an agitated state. "Settle down Roy. We'll get to the bottom of this. Has any part of your relationship changed in the past month or so?" "No, not that I can think of. We have been working a lot though. Out of the last twenty-five days we have worked twenty- two of them. Could it be that easy? Just a bad case of exhaustion?" Roy was hoping that the answer was that easy. "I'm not sure Roy, that could though be part of the problem. I won't know for sure until I talk to him. Do you think you can talk him into coming downstairs?" "I'll try Doc. Wait here and make yourself comfortable and I will go talk to him." Roy heads upstairs hoping that he could talk John into coming down and talking. Lord knew he needed to at least do that.
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Meanwhile, Johnny was huddled in the tub rocking back and forth, whispering his litany; 'please don't hurt me, I won't tell no one. I promise. Just please don't hurt me.' Then it changed drastically upon hearing someone moving in the bedroom." Roy where are you. Help me Roy. Oh, God, I'm sorry Roy." Roy heard his anguish pleas and opened the bathroom door slowly. He didn't see his lover at first, then he pushed back the shower curtain and looked down at him. "Shush Johnny. I want to help you. Can you stand up for me?" Roy spoke quietly and evenly not wanting to scare Johnny any more than he is already. Johnny slowly stood and let Roy wrap his arms around his slender shoulders and lead him to the bedroom. Roy wiped off his face with damp cloth and laid tender kisses all over the terrified face of his one true love while softly cooing to him that all would be fine. Johnny was finally calm enough to go downstairs and talk to the Doctor who was waiting.
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Johnny swiped at his eyes with the back of his right hand as he went down the stairs. Roy was right behind him laying his hand on the small of Johnny's back in a show of support. Dr. Birkholz looked up as Johnny and Roy came down the stairs. He noticed the tear stained face and red rimmed eyes of his soon to be ex-former patient. He had a feeling that they were going to be working at this for a long time. "Hi John, Roy tells me you've been having some trouble. Would you care to tell me about what is bothering you?" "Uhm, hi Doc. Well I'm not really sure what's wrong. All I know is that I feel real outta sorts right now." Johnny sat on the couch and curled up as best as he could into a ball. Folding his long legs underneath his rump, he sighed and reached for the box a tissue that was on the side table next to the lamp. Roy came back into the room with a tray that had some sandwiches and 2 cups of coffee and 1 cup of cider. He had been giving Johnny cider instead of coffee hoping that he would sleep during this vacation. In fact he tried to stay away from the stuff himself for the same reason. After making sure that all were fed something and had their drink, he sat down next to Johnny and laid his hand on the thigh of his lover. "Take your time, babe. We are not in a hurry here. I just want you to be happy again and not scared or worried." Roy quietly said. "I've been thinking about it and I have a feeling I know what triggered the recurrence of the dreams and feelings. I was standing at the window watching the snow fall. I remembered that the last time I saw a real good snowstorm was right before I left Montana and the Ranch. You see it snows like hell in the winter. Often the schools would close because of it. And I hated that. I wasn't real good at school but it got me away from the abuse for at least part of my day. I went to school on the rez and it wasn't staffed very well. I was lucky I learned how to read before my folks died." This last line was delivered with a sigh as Johnny grabbed Roy's hand and gave it a squeeze. Roy squeezed back and smiled. 'Maybe he will finally open up completely' he thought, 'there must be things he hasn't told any of us yet.' Johnny suddenly got a faraway look in his eyes and he pushed away from Roy. A full blown panic attack was in the making and the good doctor was going to be able to witness it. Johnny's breathing increased and he started sweating. Johnny curled up into an even tighter ball and started mumbling incoherently "I must hide, he mustn't find me. If he finds me he'll know and he'll hurt me. Where can I hide?" Dr. B looked closely at Johnny and decided to take a chance, "Where are you Johnny? It's okay you can tell me. I won't tell on you, I promise." "I'm at my Uncles house. I'm not supposed to be in the house right now. I'm supposed to be doing my chores in the barn, but it's just too cold outside." Johnny's voice was small and sounded like he was maybe ten or eleven. "Why were you so cold John?" The doctor quietly asked. "Uncle Ben took my coat away as punishment." the small voice said. Roy looked at the doctor, this was the first time that Johnny had said his Uncles name, usually he just referred to him as Uncle. "What were you being punished for?" "I had a lot of homework last night and I didn't finish mucking out the stalls in the barn. I didn't want to get a whuppin for bad grades. So Uncle Ben told me that I was to stay home from school today and to clean the barn from top to bottom. He took my coat this morning before he went into town with Aunt Teresa to do the shopping. He's gonna be home soon and I need to go back to the barn but it's just too damn cold." The doctor looked at Roy then turned back to Johnny, "Do you know what the date is John?" "It's Friday October 23rd, 1959." This was said as if Johnny was in a trance. "John, today is Sunday October 21st,1975." Johnny looked up and looked at the doctor as if he was seeing him for the first time. "Hey doc? What brings you out in this awful weather?" Roy shrugs his shoulders. Just last night he heard his love calling the snow absolutely beautiful. He was beginning to see a pattern. The snow, the cold, all bringing back memories of a day when he was home from school, cold and scared. "What happened when your uncle got home, Johnny?" Roy asked quietly. Johnny turned and looked at Roy as if he was crazy or something. "What are you talkin about Roy? My uncle is sitting in San Quentin right now doing time for almost killing me." "It's okay Sweety, you were telling the doctor and me about a day in 1959 when you were home from school and it was snowing real bad and real cold outside. Do you remember that day? Your uncle was in town doing the shopping with your aunt." Roy prompted hoping to get him back where he was before. Johnny closed his eyes and started rocking "No this is not happening. He will not touch me. I kept telling him to not touch me there it was wrong. He did it anyway. God Roy why won't he stop touching me?" Roy pulled Johnny into his arms and rocked him slowly. He felt John calm down and his breathing evened out. "Well doc? I think we got our answer. We were never told by him what kind of abuse aside from the beatings that he was subjected to. Now we know." Roy cradled Johnny in his arms then stood up and took him up to the bedroom. The doctor followed. After tucking Johnny into bed he showed the doc where the guest room was. There's fresh towels in the bathroom if you want to take a shower. I'm gonna lock up then go to bed myself. I'll see you in the morning." With that Roy went back downstairs and turned off the lights and sat down on the couch, putting his face in his hands he began to cry. Low quiet sobs, tears for his friend and lover. Tears of fear and pain for him and tears of hope that the doctor could put Johnny back together.
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Johnny laid on the couch sleeping while Roy and Dr. B were in the kitchen talking about what to do. Johnny was having serious flashbacks from his childhood that spoke of sexual abuse. They knew what his cousin had done but had no idea that his uncle had taken his anger out on Johnny that way. "So Doc, where do we go from here? Do we draw him out or let him come to us on his own?" "At this point Roy I'm not sure. I mean if we draw him out we might get to the core of the problem quicker but we may damage his psyche in the possess. Let me call my office and I'll stay up here for a few days and we'll see what happens by taking it slow." "Sure Doc, while you use the phone I'll go check on Johnny." Roy left the kitchen and went to the couch and sat down with Johnny putting his head on his lap. "Oh Johnny what did that bastard do to you? I wish he were here right now so I could beat the shit outta him." he was quietly talking to Johnny while stroking his hair back from his face.
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Doctor Birkholz returned from the kitchen wearing a curious look on his face. "Roy may I ask you a personal question. Before you answer, it might help in dealing with Johnny's problem." "Ask me anything so long as we can help my partner." Roy was still stroking Johnny's hair subconsciously. "How far have you and Johnny taken your relationship? By that I mean have you and Johnny had intercourse?" Roy turned all shades of red and ducked his head, his hand never straying, "Not yet Doc. I've been going real slow. Knowing about Johnny's abusive back ground I have been letting him set the pace. He seems all right with what we do right now. We kiss and touch and do mutual masturbation but no penetration yet." Dr. B just nods his head," I can understand that, I would be hesitant too if I were in your shoes. When you say no penetration you mean none what so ever. Never tried a finger or a dildo at all?" Again Roy blushed, " No Doc, not that I haven't wanted to mind you, but anytime I even suggest that Johnny closes up." Roy's hand freezes as Johnny starts to stir. He pushes Roy away ineffectually, mumbling as he does." Please don't do that I promise I won't do that again." "Shhh it's okay babe, I'm right here with you and no one will hurt you." Roy cooed softly hoping that John would stay asleep. It worked. "See Doc, I don't know what to do. He's plainly exhausted. I want so bad to take the pain away but I don't know how to." "We'll find a way. In the mean time, if you don't mind I am going to go and take a shower and see if I can wake up a little more. The snow doesn't seem to be letting up." Dr. B walked upstairs to the guest room to shower and change. Roy lifted Johnny's head out of his lap and went into the kitchen. Dr. B had been awakened early by Johnny's raging. He was running down the hall yelling at 3 am with Roy hot on his trail. Roy put on a fresh pot of coffee and started breakfast. Roy was also debating whether or not to wake Johnny and get him to eat or to just let him sleep. The debate was answered when he heard a scream. Running into the living room he saw Johnny sitting on the couch with his hands around his throat as if trying to choke himself. Roy ran over and grabbed his hands trying to wake him up. "Dammit Johnny, wake up right now" He had to practically yell. Johnny stopped struggling and sat rocking gently and whimpering while Roy held him. Slowly Johnny came fully awake and looked at Roy. "How did I get down here?" "You had a real bad one last night and I ended up chasing you down here. Luckily no one was hurt. Are you hungry, babe? I'm fixing some breakfast, or should I say, brunch, right now." "Nah, not hungry. Thirsty though. Got any juice?" A small smile broke out on Johnny's face while he was talking. "Come into the kitchen and keep me company while I cook and you can have some juice." Dr B had come back down by then and stood just out of sight to watch how the two men interacted with each other when they thought that they were alone. 'I see I'm going to have my work cut out for me.' He thought just before he entered the kitchen. "Well John are you ready to tell us what has been happening to you?" "Damn Doc, you don't beat around the bush do you?" Johnny asked turning a little red. "Would you like to eat first? Roy makes killer waffles and scrambled eggs." The Doctor could tell that Johnny was not trying to stall. "Okay, I'll eat on two conditions. 1 you eat something too. No telling us that you aren't hungry. and 2 you have to tell us everything that happened to you as a child. Do not leave anything out." Johnny reached for Roy's hand and looked at his love and said quietly." Okay doc, I'll eat and I'll talk. Just be patient." Roy finished putting the food on the table and joined the ones at the table and started to eat. He had a feeling it was going to be a long and emotionally draining day.
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After all had finished eating Roy offered to do the dishes so Johnny could take a shower. Roy thought back to the first time he took a shower with Johnny. Johnny came back down and seeing the Doctor staring out the window looking at the snow coming down. He sits on the couch waiting. Dr. B decides to ask Johnny some of the same questions that he had asked Roy earlier. Roy brought out fresh coffee and sat down next to Johnny on the couch. Dr. B got down to business. "Johnny I wanted to ask you some questions that I haven't asked you yet. It concerns your relationship with Roy would you mind answering them?" Johnny grabbed Roy's hand with his and squeezed hard, "Uh, yeah I guess I can. At least I'll try to." "Good enough John. Roy told me that you two have not 'gone all the way'. How do you feel about that?" "Well, we've talked some about it and we decided to wait." Johns answer didn't produce the result that Dr. B wanted so he tried another tact. "Okay, how would you feel if Roy told you that he wanted to have anal intercourse with you today?" Johnny's color drained from his face and he had that fight or flight look that made Roy squeeze his hand even tighter. "Uhm, I don't know, scared I guess. Look is it really necessary for you to know whether Roy fucks me or not?" Anger is rising and the Doctor just sits there. "Calm down John. We just want to help you that's all. Do not get all defensive okay. Just keep an open mind and I think you'll see what I am after here." Johnny calmed visibly and Roy put his arm around his shoulders in a show of support. "What would you like to know?" I want to know what your uncle did to you. And I am not talking about the beatings and you know that. When did he hurt you?" Johnny closed his eyes and curled up on the couch letting Roy pull him close. Taking a deep breath he began. "I guess it was when I turned 11. Bobby had already started in on me as you know. But it was pretty tame compared to what my uncle wanted me for." Johnny paused to drink some coffee and gather his thoughts. "One day, I think it was in June because I was out of school, my uncle called me into the house. My aunt had to go to the next town to be with her daughter while she had twins so we were alone. Anyway, after I got inside my uncle told me to go into my bedroom and strip and that he would be in to give me a lesson, that's what he called it, lessons. I did as I was told and stood in my room waiting." "What happened next?" Roy asked in a quiet voice. "Uncle Ben came into my bedroom and told me to bend over the bed. I didn't know what he was going to do I mean, God I was only eleven. He used his fingers first. Then there was real bad pain and he was in me. I cried and begged him to stop but he wouldn't. I couldn't get away. After he was done he told me to stay just like I was for an hour and think about the lesson. When the hour was up he told me to go get cleaned up and take a shower." Tears were streaming down Johnny's and Roy's faces by this time. "You don't have to go on if you don't want to." The doctor said. He could sense the tension and fear in the room. "That's okay, doc I need to tell the rest. Anyway after the first time it would happen about 2 or 3 times a month and it was always when aunt Teresa was gone and always referred to as a lesson for some infraction of the rules. Then I turned 12 and I was still not showing signs of puberty. I was short and skinny and hairless. My uncle seemed to really like this as he started in on me more often. Once it happened right after I got home from school. It was in the barn. He made it hurt every time. I bled a lot after most encounters I think he damaged me in some way, but I am afraid to let anyone examine me. I couldn't even do the rectal exam as part of my physical for the fire department. Dr. Brackett seemed to know why and said I passed." Johnny was running out of steam by this time. He yawned and laid down putting his head in Roy's lap. Dr. Birkholz looks at his watch and sees that two hours had passed. "What say we call it quits for the day guys. I would like to get a little cross country skiing in before I have to head back to the city." "Take your time, Doc. I think Johnny needs to rest and I know I could use a nap." Roy assured the doctor that they would be all right and so the doctor went skiing. Roy leaned down and kissed Johnny. Lightly at first then his tongue demanded entrance that Johnny was all to willing to give. They necked for a bit then Roy tugged Johnny to his feet and they went upstairs. Roy slowly undressed Johnny savoring in the feeling of his silken skin and perfect shape. Johnny started getting more aroused then he could ever remember. He put his hands on Roy's bare chest and pushed the shirt he was wearing over his head. Roy ran his hands down to Johnny's waist and pushed the sweats he was wearing down to the floor. Johnny did the same thing to Roy. They laid side by side on the queen size bed just kissing and nipping at each other. Soon Roy's hand had reached for Johnny's cock. Stroking it a bit he let his hand reach underneath his balls and stroke the hole that was there. Johnny drew his breath in through his teeth and pushed back from Roy. "No, please don't think I can't take it." "Hey, no sweat babe. You know I'll wait." Soon they were going at it all hot and heavy and this time Roy got a finger slowly inserted in Johnny's anus and Johnny just started thrusting against it moaning and purring lowly. Roy didn't go any farther. They just brought each other off and fell asleep holding on to each other. Dr. Birkholz had arrived back from his ski outing and had gone upstairs to change. He had seen that the door to the master suite was open and he heard moaning. Thinking that Johnny was having another nightmare, he peeked in the room. Blushing he backed out and headed to his room.
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Johnny woke slowly and stretched long, cringing as he felt a new pain that hurt but didn't really hurt. He grinned as he thought,' It never felt like that before.' Roy felt Johnny stir and opened his eyes. Seeing the grin on his lovers face he kissed him gently. "How are you feeling babe?" "Like a whole new person. I feel like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders. If I had known it could be this good with you, I would have let you fuck me sooner." Roy put his hand on the side of Johnny's face. "I am glad we waited. It made it that much more special for both of us. Now why don't we go take a shower and see if Dr. B is back." Johnny pinched Roy's ass as they headed for the bathroom. They showered quickly as Johnny's stomach started to growl. Dinner was spent talking about the weather and the scenery that the doctor had seen on his trek. All three men did dishes and then retired to the living room with coffee and dessert. "How are you felling now, Johnny?" Dr. Birkholz asked. "Doc, I tell you I have never felt this good. I don't think I'm 'cured' or anything but I do know that I was able to share more of myself with Roy this afternoon than in all the time we've been together." "And how does that make you feel, Roy?" "Well much the same as Johnny. I know we've got a way to go with our relationship, but I'm sure that we can now overcome any obstacle that comes our way." Roy hugs Johnny close as he's saying this. He then plants a kiss on his lips when he is through with his speech.
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The good doctor heads back to the big city after getting a promise from both Johnny and Roy to continue seeing him with regular weekly sessions. Roy and Johnny spend the rest of their vacation getting to know each other better and spending a lot of time playing in the snow. On their last day Roy looks around for John and finds him standing outside looking up at the bluest sky either of them can ever remember seeing. Suddenly Johnny lays down on his back in the soft, fresh snow. Moving his arms and legs he makes a snow angel. Roy continues watching as Johnny stands up and picks up a branch from a nearby tree. His curiosity piqued Roy puts on his coat and goes outside. Written under the perfect snow angels were some beautiful and simple words: Johnny loves Roy FOREVER!
~fini~
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