Questions and Answers
copyright 2001

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Johnny Gage sat in his Land Rover thinking. He knew he had to go in and talk to Roy, but he was scared. They had been good friends for almost three years. During that time, Johnny had pushed aside his feelings for the man. He knew that he could loose his friend if he found out the way Johnny felt.

Then one day Johnny received a phone call from his friends wife. She said that something was wrong with Roy and that she thought he needed to be there for him. So this is how Johnny came to be sitting in his car outside of his best friends house on a cool fall day in 1973.

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Johnny sat there for at least twenty minutes getting up the nerve to go to his friend. He wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans clad thighs. After exiting his vehicle he took a moment to calm himself and made a subtle adjustment, then headed up the steps of the two story house to the front door.

He didn't hear anything as he stood there. He looked in the living room window and saw a figure sitting in the darkened room rocking back and forth on the couch. There was no sign of Joann or of the kids. Johnny got worried. He put his hand up to knock on the door then thought better of it and instead put his hand on the knob and turned it.

Johnny walked into the room and listened closely. He then heard it, the heart rending sobs. He slowly walked into the living room and looked at his best friend. He approached quietly and softly so as not to startle the grieving man.

"Roy?" Johnny asked quietly. "Hey Pally. What's the matter?"

Roy sniffed and looked up. He saw his best friend standing over him with a frown on his usually sunny face. Roy's heart beat faster as he saw this. "I'm okay Junior."

Johnny squatted down on the floor in front of Roy. He studied his friends face closely before speaking. "I don't think so." was all he said.

Roy leaned forward and felt himself being taken into a pair of strong arms while he sobbed his heart out.

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Johnny held his friend while he cried for another half hour. Then Roy sat back and pushed himself off the couch and stood looking around the room. He wiped his eyes and walked into the dining room.

Johnny stayed in the living room, sitting on the spot that Roy had just vacated and waited. Roy came back in the room with two beers and some papers in his hand. He handed one of the beers to Johnny and then the papers. Johnny took both and started reading the legal papers. They were divorce papers from Jo. The papers basically said that she wanted Roy out. The grounds of divorce were relatively new in California law. She filed under the irreconcilable differences. The kids were going to stay with Jo and she was granting liberal visitation rights. She was forgoing alimony as she had found someone else who made more money then Roy. She also asked for a small amount of money for the kids.

Johnny looked at Roy in shock. He had no idea that there was any trouble between the two. They had been married for over ten years and had two adorable children.

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Roy slowly climbed the stairs and went into his bedroom. He packed all his clothes into suitcases. He then looked around the room deciding what he wanted to take. His eyes fell upon some pictures of his son and daughter. He packed those then left the room.

In the living room, Roy did the same, walking around the room and looking for things he wanted. He took all the awards and pictures from his career and more pictures of the kids. After he had several boxes packed and the suitcases closed he looked at Johnny. Talking for the first time in several hours.

"Now where do I go?" Roy sighed. "I guess it's off to a motel until I find an apartment for myself." Roy was speaking quietly.

"Don't be ridiculous. You're coming to my place. I have two bedrooms and a totally ugly couch. I even got rid of that convertible chair that tried to eat you." Johnny couldn't explain it, he just knew that he didn't want Roy to live anywhere but with him.

"I couldn't do that Johnny. I mean, we all ready spend three to four days a week with each other. I don't see how you could put up with me all the time." Roy looked like a whipped puppy.

"Nope. Not buyin' it. You my friend are coming home with me and that's final. Now load that stuff into your car and my Rover and then follow me. We'll stop for some beer and take it home. Then we'll drown our sorrows and decide what we'll do after that." Johnny put on the air of someone who was not going to take no for an answer.

"Okay, Junior. I gotch ya." Roy started carrying boxes out to the vehicles. Johnny followed suit.

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So, Roy moved into Johnny's two bedroom apartment, still believing that he would just get in the way and ruin a good friendship.

Johnny on the other hand had no such feelings. He was sure that having Roy live with him, then the friendship could only grow stronger.

The first afternoon and night was spent in a minor state of inebriation. Mostly on Roy's part that is. Johnny rarely if ever drank and never to excess. He figured once he got Roy drunk enough the man would open up to him and tell him why Joann left and took the kids. He knew that 10 year marriages just didn't dissolve like that. So Johnny kept plying Roy with boiler makers as he nursed his second beer of the day.

When Roy finally seemed to be about ready to talk, he took on a rather green look. Johnny, unfortunately wasn't quite fast enough, Roy lost all he'd eaten and drank that day all over his best buddy. Johnny helped Roy to the bathroom and cleaned him and himself up. He then made Roy take a hot shower.

While Roy was showering, Johnny made some coffee and then made plans to call Cap in the morning. He didn't think Roy would be in any shape to work in the morning. He figured that if he kept Roy home for a few days then he'd have time to work out what was going on without worrying about work.

Roy emerged from the steaming room wearing his robe. He followed the sounds to the kitchen where he found Johnny eating a sandwich and drinking a cup of coffee. He walked over to the counter and poured himself a cup.

"How come you are so damn sober?" Roy asked.

"Because, unlike you, I only had two beers. You on the other hand managed to put away a six pack and a half a quart of Beam over the last seven hours." Johnny looked at Roy with a grin. He didn't want Roy to feel bad. "Would you like some soup or something? I really think you should eat something."

"No, I think I'm just gonna go lay down and think." Roy sounded lost.

Johnny followed his friend out to the living room. Roy didn't make it any farther than the couch. Roy dropped to the couch and stretched out. Johnny walked down the hall and grabbed a pillow and blanket from Roy's room. Taking them out to the living room, he made Roy more comfortable then sat in his recliner and turned on the TV.

Roy watched TV with Johnny for about an hour. He dozed off and on until the eleven o'clock news. When Johnny looked over at Roy, he found him asleep. Johnny stood and stretched.

Johnny turned off the TV and pulled the blanket up over Roy's body. He brushed the hair off of Roy's forehead and whispered his goodnights. He turned off the lights and TV and headed to his bedroom. Stripping, he climbed into bed and fell right to sleep.

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Roy woke with a start. He hadn't a clue as to what woke him. He laid on the couch listening to the sounds of the apartment. He then heard it, a low moaning sound that was getting louder. He got up from the couch grimacing at his stupidity. He headed down the hall and opened the door to Johnny's room.

Johnny was in the throes of a nightmare. He had them almost every night when he was at home. For some reason he could keep them at bay when he was at the station. When he was at home though, it was a different thing. He just couldn't stop them.

Roy looked in the room and drew in his breath. Laying on the bed tangled up in the sheets Johnny was having a nightmare. What took away Roy's breath was the fact that he was naked as the day he was born. Roy took in the body in front of him covered in sweat glistening in the moonlight that was coming in through the window. Roy couldn't remember seeing anything this beautiful in a long time.

Roy suddenly tore his eyes away from the body when he heard the moaning increase in volume. Soon Johnny was crying out. The words were unintelligible and Roy didn't even try to figure them out. All of a sudden the crying took on a sound of shear terror.

Roy was just about to approach the bed when he heard the door to the apartment open. Roy looked down the hall and saw a tall, dark haired young man walking toward the bedroom.

The man walked right past Roy and went straight to the bed. He knelt down and took one of Johnny's hand in his. He started speaking in a soft slow voice that had a hint of a New York accent. Roy watched as the stranger calmed Johnny down.

As soon as Johnny was calmed down, the man walked into the kitchen and put a kettle of water on the stove. While it heated he took two cups down from the cupboard and pulled two tea bags from the canister that was on the counter. He poured the water into the cups and set them on a tray, adding sugar and milk, he took the tray to the kitchen and motioned with his head for Roy to follow.

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Roy followed with a questioning look on his face. 'Who is this guy?' he thought to himself. 'And what the fuck was he doing with keys to Johnny's apartment?' was the next question that came to mind.

The man sat and fixed his tea. He motioned for Roy to do the same. Roy took the tea bag out of the cup and spooned some sugar into the tea. He then took a sip. Setting down the cup, he got ready to ask his questions.

"Excuse me, but who are....." Roy never got a chance to finish the question as Johnny started whimpering again causing the man to get up and go back to Johnny's room and start the calming process all over again.

Roy followed again, this time with the cup of tea in his hand. He paid closer attention this time as the stranger repeated the ministrations. The man spoke nonsense words that were meant to comfort and gently running his hand up and down Johnny's arm. Johnny responded by calming down and sinking back into deep sleep.

As the man left the room Roy finished asking his question. "Who are you and how do you know Johnny?"

The man returned to his tea and sat down on the couch. "My name is Billy Two Feathers and I am a friend of John's. I help him when he has his nightmares. I live next door and his bedroom butts up to mine. I met him two years ago when he moved in. He was quiet at first. Then one night I heard the screams. I knocked on his door but he didn't answer. I finally went to the supers apartment and got a key. I found him in the corner of his room rocking back and forth murmuring words I didn't understand. I calmed him down and got him back into bed. I ended up staying here most of the night. The next day I introduced myself and we've been friends since."

Roy looked at the man, for some reason he felt jealous. He thought that he should be the one to calm Johnny, not some guy he didn't even know.

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"You are Johnny's friend from work, aren't you?" Billy asked.

"Uh, yea, I'm Roy DeSoto and Johnny is my best friend and partner at work." Roy stuttered out.

"Johnny told me that you were a good friend and a great partner. He really likes working with you. You must be careful though. He has a big heart that breaks easily. I would not like to see him get hurt. I care for him very much." Billy said in all seriousness.

"I care for him greatly too. I wouldn't do anything to hurt him. I..." Roy trailed off as he became aware that he almost said something he only thought to himself.

Billy took the cups and tray into the kitchen and cleaned up. He then headed for the door. "I will leave my friend in your hands now. If you need help just knock on the wall and I will be right over."

Roy watched the young man leave the apartment. Roy then went and stood in the doorway of Johnny's room. He stared at the bronze body and fell deeper. He so wanted to tell Johnny exactly how he felt. Deep down Roy knew that he couldn't.

Roy only knew the Johnny at work and the Johnny who spent off time with Roy camping and fishing and entertaining his two kids. He didn't know this Johnny, a man who takes his friend into his home and offers help without being asked. He offers compassion and companionship without expecting it in return. He doesn't know this man who's sleep is interrupted often by nightmares.

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Roy watched Johnny sleep until he couldn't stand anymore. He walked back to the living room and picked up his pillow and blanket and returned them to his room. He laid down and fell swiftly into the darkness of sleep.

When Roy woke up the next morning, the sun was high in the sky. He looked at his clock and saw that it was almost seven thirty. He was due at the station at eight. He jumped out of bed and into the shower. When he was dressed he walked into the kitchen. He noticed that Johnny wasn't there. He went back down the hall and saw that Johnny wasn't in his room. Roy started getting scared.

Roy walked back to the living room and headed for the phone. It was then he saw the note.

Roy,
I now you've had a rough day so I called Cap and had a replacement called in. He couldn't find one for me though. You just rest and take care of things. I will see you tomorrow morning. Please don't be mad at me. I couldn't stand it if I knew you were mad at me.
See ya tomorrow, Pally
Junior

Roy set the note down shaking his head. He went into the kitchen and found the coffee already made and another note pointing the way to a healthy breakfast. Roy sat down at the table and ate breakfast while deciding how he was going to deal with Joann and the kids.

After Roy cleaned up he picked up his personal phone book and thumbed through it. He came across a name that he thought he had removed from the book years ago. He called this friend to get some help. His friend turned out to no longer be his friend. His friend was now his soon to be ex-wife's lawyer.

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Johnny worked the shift with Craig Brice. He knew that he would do anything for Roy and subjecting himself to the most anal retentive paramedic in the Department was part of retaining his friendship.

Craig spent the better part of the morning pissing the younger paramedic off. Johnny retreated to the locker room to think about Roy. He didn't hear the door open. Brice sat down on the bench in front of his locker and looked at Gage who was sitting inside his locker.

"You okay Gage?" Brice asked quietly.

Johnny didn't answer right away. His thoughts were back at his apartment. He finally came back to the here and now and saw Brice. "Yea, I'm fine Brice."

Johnny pushed himself out of the locker and left the room. He went into the dayroom and grabbed a cup of coffee. He sat at the table and actually prayed for a run. So far they had had only three runs and it was now two in the afternoon.

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Roy called the legal department for the County Fire Department. He found a lawyer that was willing to take on the divorce case. He finally had a chance to find out what was going to happen. He had taken the papers Jo had left him, to the office and showed them to the lawyer. The attorney looked them over and picked up the phone. He looked at Roy and gave him the thumbs up.

Roy watches the older man as he wheeled and dialed on the phone with Jo's attorney and Roy's former friend.

"Well Roy, your wife wants to make the divorce as simple as possible. She wants the house and the kids. You will get the child support payments and the mortgage. Sorry Roy. She said that her parents are going to help her out so that you don't have to pay a penny of alimony payments. My advice is to ask for the house. Sell the damn piece of real estate and split it with her. This way you can get the child support payments down." Ron Tobias, a.k.a. Toby, said.

"Get me the house. I will do what you suggest. That woman's not getting my house. Her parents are better off than me and can very well take care of her. I'll take care of the kids, but I want to see them as often as I want. I do not want to be one of those fathers who only see their kids twice a month for two days at a time and maybe two weeks in the summer." Roy was feeling like he could actually come out on top.

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Poor Johnny, his prayers were never answered. Los Angeles County remained on good behavior for yet another shift. Johnny had to put up with Chet Kelly's answer to boredom and Brice's answer to compulsive behavior. In other words, Johnny spent the shift wet and baffled. He could handle Chet's water bombs. He could also handle Brice being an asshole. He just couldn't handle both at the same time.

Johnny was so grateful to be getting off. He wanted to go home and talk to Roy.

When he pulled up to the apartment building he saw Billy standing by his Mustang. He waved at his friend as he parked his Rover. He heaved a sigh of relief when he saw that Roy's car was still in the lot.

Billy approached Johnny as he got out of his car. "Hey John. How are you doing today?"

"Just great Billy. I slept well last night despite that fact that I had Craig Brice, the most anal person I know, as my partner. I called Roy in sick yesterday. He really needed to sleep and get his affairs together. His wife left him and filed for a divorce after ten years of marriage." As Johnny was talking the two men headed through the courtyard heading for their building. Billy had put his arm around Johnny's shoulder while they walked. Johnny didn't even flinch. Billy had been doing that since they had met.

Roy was standing on the balcony sipping his coffee while watching for Johnny. He saw him coming through the side yard of the complex. He saw that Billy was with him and had his arm around his friends shoulder. Roy's heart sank at the thought that Johnny and Billy were together as a couple. The night that Billy had come over led Roy to believe that they were more than just friends. Now it looked like he had been right in his thoughts.

Johnny and Billy stopped just outside the building. "John, you need to talk to Roy. The man cares about you a lot. He might even love you. I know how you feel about love and that you don't feel worthy of it, but you must open your heart for this man. I am here for you to talk to and I am a good friend, but this man will be able to quell the storms that you go through in your sleep. This I am sure of. My grandfather told me once that love knows no gender or bounds. You must take love as it comes. You never know if it will come again. I believe my grandfather. I believe I left New York to come to L.A. to meet you. I have done all that I can for you. It's Roy's turn to help you fight your demons. You would not tell me what causes such storms to pass over you but I believe that you will tell Roy. He is your best friend, let him be your lover too." Billy walked into the building heading for his apartment alone.

Johnny was left standing out side contemplating what he'd just been told, 'Does Roy want to be my Lover?' he thought as he headed up the stairs to his third floor apartment.

Roy was still standing on the balcony when Johnny entered the apartment. Roy hadn't seen or heard what Billy had told Johnny, he just knew that it had taken twenty minutes for Johnny to get to the apartment since Roy had seen him entering the commons area.

"Hey Roy, how was your day yesterday?" Johnny called as a way of greeting.

"It went fine Johnny." Roy sounded a little bit pissed to Johnny.

"Hey, what's wrong Pally?" Johnny joined Roy on the balcony bringing the coffee with him. He refilled Roy's cup while waiting for an answer.

"Who's this Billy Two Feathers guy? He just walked into your apartment the other night. You were having a nightmare and he just walked in and took care of you. He then walked into your kitchen and made tea for him and me. We talked but he never really told me who he was. So, Junior, who is he and what were you two doing for twenty minutes outside?" Roy actually sounded jealous.

"Easy Roy. Billy has been helping me deal with some personal problems for the past two years. He's a psychiatrist. He's been trying to help me get over my night mares. He stopped me and talked to me today. That's why it took so long. He was basically pulling himself out of my therapy. He seems to think that you can help me better than he can. We did date at first, but nothing ever came of it. We have never had sex if that's what you are worried about. I like him, but I am not in Love with him." Johnny sat on the chair that faced the mountains that he longed to move to.

"I'm sorry Johnny, I didn't mean to sound like a jealous lover. I just don't want to see you get hurt by anyone. Me included." Roy sat across from him and smiled a shy smile.

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Roy sat on the balcony soaking up the afternoon sun while Johnny slept on the chaise lounge next to him. He reached out and put his hand on Johnny's arm rubbing it up and down softly and slowly. He noticed that Johnny never really liked being touched by another person. He tended to keep people out of his personal space as much as possible outside the job.

Johnny let out a small whimper a while later. Roy looked over at Johnny and saw the look on his face. Roy got out of his chair and knelt beside Johnny. He mimicked what Billy had done that night. He picked up the limp hand and spoke softly words of love and tenderness, words he had wanted to say since the day he had met the younger man. Johnny calmed almost instantly.

Roy went into the apartment to answer the ringing phone. Dr. Brackett was on the line. He had wanted to remind Johnny that he had an appointment later that afternoon. Roy looked at the clock and saw that it was almost noon. Roy told the doctor that he would remind Johnny and bring him in himself if necessary. Roy then hung up and went out to wake Johnny.

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Roy fed Johnny lunch then goaded him into his car. Roy was not going to let Johnny miss this appointment. Johnny was two months over due for his physical and now was the time it was going to be done. Come hell or high water, Roy and Dr. Brackett were going to get it done.

Once at Rampart, Johnny started balking. He didn't want Roy to see his body. He hated the scars that were on his upper back legs and buttocks. He knew that if Roy saw them, he'd not want to be his friend anymore.

"John Gage!" Nurse Dixie McCall said sternly to one of her favorite paramedics. "You get your skinny butt into that treatment room right now!"

Johnny knew not to piss this particular woman off, so he did as he was told. Roy followed closely to make sure that his friend behaved.

Johnny went into the bathroom and gave the urine sample that was requested of him. Then he put on the exam gown after removing all but his boxers and his socks. He turned and tried to look and see if any of his scars were showing. He sighed in relief when he saw that all were safely hidden.

Once he left the bathroom, Dixie had him stand on the scale. "Hmm. Johnny, you have lost eight pounds since the last time we weighed you and that was three months ago. You really need to pay attention and stick to the diet Dr.'s Brackett and Williams worked out for you."

Roy looked at Johnny with a question forming. Johnny just nodded his head no to signal 'Not now'. Roy backed off.

Dr. Brackett entered just as Dixie was finishing getting blood. "Dix, how's the hose jockey doing?"

"Well Kel, his temp is slightly elevated and he's lost an additional eight pounds since the diet was implemented three months ago. His blood samples are on their way to the lab and he's been hiding under the sheet since he sat down." Dixie talked as if Johnny couldn't hear her. That was okay though because both the doctor and the nurse knew that Johnny wouldn't pass on any of this information when asked.

Roy felt more than a little lost. He knew that Johnny had been sick three months prior but it was nothing real serious. Johnny had only missed two shifts. Now he's hearing that because of the bug, Johnny was on a special diet to keep him from losing weight that he was losing anyway. Roy started thinking back and he realized the Johnny really hadn't been eating the way he used to. In fact he seemed to be eating less as he increased the number of meals. He also noticed that Johnny always had water with him. He seemed to be drinking more than ever. Then Roy remembered the other day and how Johnny had hardly drank. Roy's brain started working and he came upon an answer.

"Uh, Johnny, you don't happen to have Diabetes do you?" Roy spoke up.

"What? No, Roy. I don't have Diabetes. I am a candidate for it though. It runs in my family. No, I'm just having a hard time keeping on the weight. I had to change the way I eat and also was told to lay off the sweets so I could gain the right kind of weight. So far it's not working. I drink all the water to keep my water weight gain down. I figure the more I drink the more I piss away." Johnny giggled at this last part.

Dr. Brackett added his information as he looked at Johnny's eyes and ears and into his throat and nose. He then put the stethoscope against Johnny's back and asked the man to take a deep breath. When Johnny did that Dr. Brackett frowned. He then undid the gown and pushed it down, he walked around the table and placed the stethoscope against the young mans chest and repeated his request. Again he frowned.

"Johnny, how are you feeling? Now be honest." Kel asked quietly.

"The truth? I feel kinda tired and achy. My chest sorta hurts when I take a deep breath too. Why? Am I sick again?" Johnny sounded hurt.

"Won't know until I get a look at some chest film. While we wait to get you taken upstairs for those beautiful pictures of your chest I want you to lay down so I can check you out some more." Kel said.

Johnny laid down and turned bright red as the doctor lowered the gown and sheet even further down. Then he put his arm over his face when Dr. Brackett palpitated his lower abdomen. Johnny flinched visibly when he got to the right side. The doctor looked to Dixie, "Add an abdominal series and ultra sound to that would ya Dix?"

He then looked down at Johnny, "Well my friend, you have picked up an infection and I'm afraid that you appendix is the culprit. We'll wait for all the tests first, but I can almost safely say that you will be spending the next week or two with us while we remove the pesky bugger and get you back on your feet."

Johnny dropped his arm and stared at the doctor. "You mean the reason I feel like shit is because of my appendix? Hell if I had had any real pain on that side I would've come to ya sooner."

"I think we've caught it in the very early stages of infection. Your temp is only 100 degrees and the pain is still fairly mild. Now I'm going to go see about getting you admitted. Even is you appendix isn't the problem, I still don't like the sound of your lungs. I'm going to have Respiratory send down a therapist to give you the once over then we'll start the antibiotics and get this bug beat before your appendix goes 'hot' on us. Okay?" Kel was being as light as possible. He didn't want to scare Johnny away. Kel was the only person Johnny had trusted enough to share some of his past with and what Kel Brackett had heard had made him sick to his stomach. He then treated Johnny differently when he examined him.

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In the end, Johnny ended up undergoing a laparotomy to have his appendix removed and some scar tissue cleaned up. Johnny then spent one week in the hospital. When he was released he was given a clean bill of health and the threat to gain ten pounds during the next week he was to take off work. Roy had taken vacation time to stay home with his friend. He was hoping that they could expand on their friendship.

The first night home Roy had barbequed steaks and made baked potatoes and baked beans. He specifically chose foods high in carbos and proteins to help stimulate the metabolism. He was going to hit Johnny with some of the richest as well as healthiest foods for the next seven days. He hoped that Johnny gained the ten pounds.

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Johnny ate heartily that night. He still didn't eat as much as Roy had expected him to though. They talked about their hobbies and Roy told Johnny about the meeting with the lawyer.

"Yeah, he told me to sell the house. When I bought it all those years ago, I didn't put Jo's name on it. So now, she has no claim to it outside of community property and with that whatever happens to it we both have to agree. She's fighting the sale. She says she needs the house for her and the kids. I told her that her parents had a six bedroom house and asked her why she just didn't go live with them. Damn was she livid. I felt great when it was decided that the house would be sold. Because Jo has a trust fund, that I didn't know about, I get three quarters of the proceeds from the sale. We go to court next week, it's looking like things will go in my favor. All I have to worry about is custody. Jo has agreed to let me have seven days a month and one month in the summer, but she doesn't want me to have any of the holidays. She's moving down to Mission Bay just outside of San Diego. Her folks are fucking rich, Johnny. I mean, they could've helped us out when we were first married, if I had come from a family that made as much money as they did. My dad was strictly blue collar and then he died young so my mom had to go to work. I couldn't understand why Jo's folks thought so little of me until now. I mean," Roy stopped talking, looking at Johnny.

Johnny was sitting there with a small smile on his face. His eyes were glazed over and he was trying his best to pay attention to what Roy was saying instead of what Roy was wearing.

"Okay Junior. Spill it! Is my fly undone or do I have something on my teeth?" Roy queried.

Johnny shook himself. "What? No, I mean there's nothing wrong with you or the way you're dressed." Johnny shifted in his chair to get more comfortable. "I was just thinking about how good you look." John whispered.

Roy faced Johnny and took a long hard look at his friend. He saw it for the first time. Roy's heart skipped a beat as he thought to himself, 'Maybe Billy is right. Johnny just has to feel something other than friendship for me.' He dropped his eyes and stared at his hands while he thought how to pose the next crucial question. Johnny beat him to the punch.

"Roy, can I ask you a personal question?" Johnny asked quietly.

"Sure you can." Roy replied.

"Have you, uhm... I mean... oh Hell. Have you ever wanted to make love with another man before." Johnny blurted out. He then turned as if to leave the room.

Roy caught Johnny by the arm to stop him from leaving. He made sure that he had Johnny's total attention before he answered, "Only with you, Johnny. I have dreamed about it for nearly two years. Ever since we started working together."

Johnny's eyes darkened at the thought that his friend felt the same way as he did. Then he stopped that line of thought, 'Don't go there yet, Gage. He didn't say he actually wanted to, just that he dreamed of it.'

Roy saw the wheels turn in his friends head and decided to stop the train of thought he was certain his friend was following. He put his other hand on Johnny's shoulder and stepped closer. Leaning in Roy placed a gentle kiss on Johnny's lips. It wasn't anything special, just a plain closed lip kiss. Roy smiled when he felt Johnny respond with a kiss of his own, this one harder.

Soon they were kissing as if their lives depended on it. Roy broke away first, needing to breathe. He looked at Johnny's face and saw nothing more than pure trust and love. Roy felt the same way Johnny looked. Roy never wanted Johnny to be hurt in any way. Roy reached for Johnny pulling him to his chest. He hugged the younger man with a fierceness borne of love and want. He needed this man to be in his arms as much as possible. He needed to take care of him. He needed to love him. He did love him.

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Johnny was thinking that he didn't deserve this. He remembered the words that Billy had said to him, but he still couldn't believe them. 'I DO NOT DESERVE TO BE LOVED!' His brain raged at him. Johnny tried so hard to shut it up. The voice in his head would not go away. Johnny pushed Roy away and ran into the bathroom. He dropped to his knees in front of the toilet and lost all he'd eaten for the day. He leaned his head against the edge of the bowl and let the tears come.

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Roy ran down the hall to Johnny. He saw the hurt on his friends face and he couldn't bare it if he was the cause of the hurt and sadness. He knocked on the bathroom door. He heard the sobs coming through the door. Johnny wouldn't answer and the door was locked. Roy didn't know what to do. He looked around to find a way to jimmy the door when a thought came to him. He walked into Johnny's room and knocked on the wall that he shared with his neighbor. Roy then went back to the bathroom door and waited.

Billy Two Feathers showed up less than five minutes later with a bag in hand. He joined Roy at the door, "What happened Roy?"

"I'm not really sure. I was giving him a hug and the next thing I knew he pushed me away and ran in here. He's been in here for almost a half hour. He's crying and he won't answer me. Please do something for him. I need him." Roy left Billy to do his job. He went into the living room and sat on the couch staring out the sliding glass door at the night sky.

He listened to Billy talk through the door to Johnny and strained to here Johnny's reply, there was none forthcoming. Roy's heart broke thinking that his act of selfishness, wanting to hold and kiss Johnny, caused the man to break down.

^*^*^*^*^*^*

Roy didn't know how long he sat on the couch when Billy walked into the room. Roy looked at him expectantly. "How is he?"

"Roy, remember what I told you about Johnny's heart? Well, for some reason he's never said, he thinks he's not worthy of anyone's love or affection. He believes that he is nothing. I'm pretty sure a lot of it has to do with his upbringing on the reservation in Montana, but there's something else at work here too. He doesn't like people to see his body, which is one of the reason's he prefers to change when the locker room is empty or with only you in the room. His body has scars from a beating or several beatings that I believe happened when he was an adult and not a child. If he was a child, he was in his late teens when it happened. He won't tell me about it, only shrugs his shoulders and mumbles something about deserving everything he ever got." Billy had made himself a drink while he was talking and now finished the Beam and Soda mix. He looked at his glass and gestured to Roy as if to ask if he wanted one.

Roy shook his head in negative and sighed. His heart broke even more with every word Billy had said. "Oh my God. That explains why he fails to get back at the Phantom, he thinks he deserves to be treated like a stooge. Damn that Kelly." Roy dropped his head in his hands and quietly let the tears fall. He took his time getting himself together before speaking again. "Is Johnny going to be okay? I mean he was in there a long time."

"I got him into bed. I gave him some Valium so he should sleep tonight. When is he scheduled to go back to work?"

"We both return to work next Tuesday. Will he be able to work?"

"I think he should go back. He needs the routine. He kind of falls apart when his routine is interrupted. It's something I noticed last year after that virus thing he had. I had a hard time with him. His demons came out and played with the poor kid every single night. I think I spent more time with him then with my other patients. I know you and your wife dropped by often, but after you would leave, he'd lose it. For some reason, he likes living alone, just not at night. He needs someone who will let him have his space during the day and hold him close at night."

"That's what I want to do. *I* want to be that person. Why won't he let me into his heart?" Roy was really starting to feel the despair that plagued his friend.

"Roy?" Billy put his hand on the paramedics shoulder in friendship. "Roy, go to him. Stay with him tonight. He needs you and you have to show him that. Keep away the demons and let him get a good nights sleep for a change. Hell, let *me* get a good nights sleep for a change." Billy giggled at that. "He told me he told you about our relationship. He wasn't lying when he said that we never had sex. I wanted to, but I knew it would just hurt him in the long run."

Roy looked at Billy thinking that maybe he was what Johnny needed. "I promise that I won't hurt your friend. I want to love Johnny and show him that I care. How can I do that? How can I make him know that I care about him and that I want him in my life forever?"

"Just be there for him and most importantly, be yourself. Johnny loves you Roy, whether he has admitted it to himself or not I know that he loves you with all his heart. Know this and listen to your own heart. Does the thought of losing him hurt your heart? Does it make you want to take him in your arms and hold him tight? If the answer is yes, then you need to take him into your life and make him yours." Billy put down his glass and stood up. "Go to him now. Hold him close and take away his fears." He then turned and left the apartment.

Roy closed the door to the balcony and locked the front door. He turned off the lights and walked down the hall. Closing the door behind him, he approached the bed that Johnny was sleeping on. He was curled up as small as he could get his six foot one inch frame. Roy's heart shoved it's way into his throat. He stripped down to his boxers and climbed into bed with his best friend. He laid on his back waiting for sleep to claim him. He was having problems with another part of his body though. It was wide awake and wanted to play. He willed the feeling to go away. He prayed that Johnny didn't notice if he should wake up. Roy finally drifted off to sleep.

^*^*^*^*^*^*

Roy awoke when he felt the body next to him shifting. He looked at Johnny and saw him moving. He then heard the whimpering. He reached over and rubbed Johnny's arm. The whimpering increased as the nightmare caught Johnny in it's clutches. Roy slid over closer to Johnny and pulled him into his arms. He slowly rocked the man in his arms while crooning softly words of love. He felt Johnny slowly respond to the rocking and the whimpers died down. Roy turned them both on their sides as he spooned behind Johnny. They slept that way for the rest of the night.

Johnny was the first to wake the next morning, he felt a warm body snuggled up to his back with an arm around his waist. He craned his neck and looked to see who was sleeping behind him.

Roy noticed the difference in Johnny's breathing as he slowly woke up. He peeled open one eye and saw a pair of brown eyes looking at him. He smiled at the pair of eyes. "Morning Johnny."

Johnny pushed himself up and turned around on the bed. He looked from Roy to himself. He noticed that he had been put to bed naked, his preferred way of sleeping. He in fact couldn't remember going to bed. He then noticed that Roy had his boxers on. "Hey, uh, Roy? Who put me to bed last night?"

"Billy came over and gave you some Valium and put you to bed. He told me that he had to leave and that he didn't want you to be alone. I came in and stayed with you. You had a nightmare around 2 this morning so I held you. You went back under and stayed where you were. I'm sorry if I did something to scare you. I don't want to do that." Roy spoke quietly.

Johnny looked at Roy and saw the love in his friends eye. "Thank you Roy. I appreciate all that you did for me last night. I'm sorry that I ruined what you had planned last night. I have no idea why I ran like I did. It's just that I couldn't shut up this voice I have in my head. Billy says that I need to learn how to shut it out, but I haven't been able to do that yet."

To Roy, Johnny sounded like a lost little boy. He so wanted to take him back into his arms and just hug the stuffing out of the slender man. He settled instead to just sit by him. "Johnny, now you don't have to answer this but I have to ask." Johnny shook his head that he was listening. "What happened to you? Who beat you? And when did it happen?" Roy knew he was taking a chance asking but he just had to know.

"Not as long ago as you may think. I had just left Montana and had arrived here in L.A.. I had been looking for a job, when I heard that the fire department was hiring so I filled out the application and waited to hear. I was notified three weeks later that I was hired. I was only twenty years old and looked like I was fourteen. At least that's what everyone in my training class said. I finished at the top of my class, barely. You see there was this guy who didn't like the color of my skin or the way that I always scored at the top. He wanted me out of the department. He heard through some asshole that I had this 'thing' for his sister. He called me on it and I of course denied it. He came after me one night with some friends of his. They beat me up pretty bad. I showed up at the academy the next day as scheduled. We had one of the many physical fitness tests that day. I was really in no shape to participate. The P.T. trainer didn't even question my condition, he just told me to get ready for the test. I found out later that I had two bruised ribs and a broken finger. I finished at the top though. My classmates, the ones that had it in for me, thought I had cheated and went to the instructor who actually came to my defense." Johnny had to stop there. He went to the bathroom and got cleaned up and dressed.

Roy fixed breakfast for the two and set it on the table on the balcony. Johnny joined him a few minutes later.

"So, what happened after the test?" Roy started.

"They beat the crap outta me again. This time though someone saw what had happened and went to the instructors. The four men were kicked out of the academy and I was put on probation for not going to a superior or one of the instructors. They couldn't kick me out because no one witnessed me actually fighting with the men and besides it was four on one and that worked in my favor."

"Is that how you got those scars on your legs?" Roy just had to ask.

Johnny blanched. He felt faint. No one knew about those except Billy and Dr. Brackett. Now Roy knew.

Roy watched as John sat there. Tears started falling down Johnny's face.

'This can't be happening again.' Johnny thought. 'Now Roy will leave and I won't have any more friends.' What Johnny said wasn't much different from what he thought, "So now you've seen them. I guess you're going to look for another place to live. I understand." Johnny got up from the table and headed to his room. Roy heard the door snick closed. He sat there stunned. He didn't want to leave.

^*^*^*^*^*^*

Johnny sat on his bed holding his stomach and rocking back and forth. He felt so alone. 'See what happens Gage. You were told that you weren't worth anything. Why didn't you listen to them?' Johnny let the tears fall faster as his rocking increased. He never heard his bedroom door open. He felt the arms around him and he panicked.

Johnny pushed Roy away and headed for the door. He made it out the door and into the living room. Still in a panic, he looked around and headed out the front door. Running down the hall he headed for the stairs. Roy was hot on his trail. He first stopped and banged on Billy's door, hoping he was home. He yelled at the door what was happening hoping Billy heard him, he then continued his trek after Johnny.

Johnny knew he had to get away. He didn't want to go through that again and if he stayed, then the man was going to tie him up again. He knew it was wrong but the man was so strong and his boss. He just couldn't stay. He had to get away. So Johnny ran. He didn't even see his car in the lot. He was so far gone, he forgot that he was in his apartment complex and not at his bosses house in Billings.

Roy had no trouble at all keeping up with Johnny as the younger man was running as if he was in a great deal of pain. Roy kept his distance though. He hoped Johnny tired out soon.

^*^*^*^*^*^*

Johnny ran until he couldn't run anymore. He looked around not recognizing where he was. He heard a voice calling him, but he didn't know why the person belonging to the voice was where he was.

Roy stopped a few feet from Johnny, panting heavily. He watched as Johnny stood still. His head turning as he looked in all directions as if he didn't know where he was. Roy really started getting worried. He heard the sound of pounding feet behind him and turned to look. Billy skidded to a halt next to Roy. He too was panting. They both noticed that Johnny had barely broken a sweat.

"That boy runs like a scared rabbit. What set him off Roy?" Billy asked once he had caught his breath.

"I asked him about the scars. He went into his bedroom and then the next thing I knew he was off and running. I think I brought back some real bad memories. Damn, why didn't I just keep my mouth shut?" Roy spoke quietly.

"You had to know Roy. How else are you going to help your friend." Billy put a hand on Roy's shoulder trying to calm the man down.

"What are we going to do? I can't run anymore." Roy continued watching Johnny as he stood on the corner of Wilson and Carson.

Johnny stood there thinking. He was trying to remember how he got here. He talked to himself trying to calm down. 'Now think Gage. Where are you?' He looked at the street signs. 'Okay, I must be somewhere familiar to me. Let's see.' Suddenly it dawned on the younger man as he looked around. 'I'm in California. That's right, I live in L.A. now. Carson if I remember right. My place must be near here somewhere.' He looked in the direction he'd came from and saw Roy and Billy standing on the corner across the street from him. He suddenly felt a wave of relief. 'Of course, their my friends. At least they were.' Johnny waved at the men and headed towards them when the light changed.

Roy saw that Johnny recognized them and was headed towards them. "Billy, I think Johnny's come back to the here and now. He's heading our way."

"Do not say anything to him about what happened unless he asks. I do not want him spooked again." Billy said quietly and seriously.

Johnny approached with a sheepish smile on his face. "Hey, Roy. What happened? Did I sleep walk again? I used to get in trouble for that when I was a kid. My old man threatened to tie me to my bed when he caught me in the barn trying to mount one of his new Stallions. Damn, I need to change the way my doors lock." Johnny honestly believed that that was what happened.

Well, Johnny, that's not exactly what happened. Let's head back to your place and see if we can work this out." Roy put his arm around Johnny's shoulders and headed back the fifteen blocks to the apartment. Johnny had left the house without his shoes on so if was slow going when Johnny calmed enough to notice that his feet had small cuts and his big toe was missing part of the nail.

^*^*^*^*^*^*

They made it back to the apartment thirty minutes later, thirsty and sweaty. The weather was unseasonably warm for early November. They took turns in the bathroom while Billy made a pitcher of tea and some sandwiches.

When all were out on the balcony sitting at the table and eating, Billy decided that it was now to get to the bottom of what happened to Johnny when he was living in Montana.

"Johnny, Roy asked you a question earlier and you still haven't answered it. Can you tell us what happened to your backside? I know it's hard to talk about but I promise you neither of us will say anything against you."

Johnny sighed, knowing that the time to tell his story had come. He just hoped that what his friend and psychiatrist had said was true. He knew deep down that he couldn't faze Billy, but Roy was another story. What he had to say was going to push Roy away for sure.

"Okay, but I'm going to need something stronger than tea to drink." Johnny stated.

Roy and Billy looked at each other both knowing how Johnny felt about alcohol. It was Roy who spoke first, "Okay. What do you want to drink?"

"Just bring me that bottle of Beam from the kitchen and a glass." Johnny stated.

Billy brought the bottle along with a glass and a bottle of seltzer water. He mixed a drink for Johnny, who downed it pretty much in one gulp. Then he sat back and took a deep breath.

"I guess you could say it started when I left home. I was seventeen and had just graduated from high school. I headed to Billings to see if I could get any work, as there wasn't anything available on the Reservation or any of the nearby towns. Once I hit the city I realized that I had almost no skills outside of Ranch hand to offer. I went to the rail yards to see if there was anything there. I found a job working for this small freight company. I unloaded boxcars and loaded them into the trucks for delivery. I was tall but skinny so the boss thought that I was younger than I claimed. He put me on with these two other guys who were about two years older than me. We worked from six in the morning until six at night six days a week. I was paid a hundred and fifty dollars every two weeks. I lived in this run down efficiency three blocks away. I paid seventy five a month for it and another twenty a month for electricity and phone. I walked or rode the bus where ever I went. I didn't trust anyone. I had been subjected to so much prejudice on the Rez that I had very little trust for anyone. No matter what the color of their skin was." Johnny stopped and poured himself another drink. This time he sipped it a little slower.

"So one day my boss, Mr. Richardson, asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner with him and some of the guys. I was leery at first but then I decided I needed to get to know these guys if I was going to go anywhere with the company."

Johnny ran his hand through his hair and wiped his face with his arm before continuing. "So I went. He had a barbeque with burgers and Brats. I actually had a good time. He kept giving me beer and whisky. I had never really drank before that night. I got pretty drunk. I remember not feeling to well as the night wore on. Richardson led me to one of his spare rooms and told me to lie down and rest for awhile. I musta fallen asleep because when I started feeling better it was quiet in the house and dark too. I went to the bathroom and headed for the door. I figured I'd go home and sleep it off. The next day was Sunday so I wasn't worried about work. Richardson stopped me before I got far. He told me that I was staying the night and that he didn't feel right letting me walk five miles home after one in the morning. He couldn't drive me he said because he had drank too much and wasn't able to drive. So I went back to the room he'd put me in earlier and fell back asleep. I slept the rest of the night and was awake around seven. I got up to leave and I swear to God, he could read my mind, because he was there telling me breakfast was ready. We ate and then I told him that I had to go home. He didn't want me to for some reason. I ended up staying to watch the baseball game. I didn't have a TV so I was happy to stay to watch the game. He kept trying to get me to drink beer with him, but I stuck with water. I still didn't trust the man." Johnny stretched and looked at his watch. He'd been talking for almost two hours straight. He excused himself to go to the bathroom.

Roy and Billy set about getting something for dinner together before having Johnny continue his story.

^*^*^*^*^*^*

Johnny only picked at the dinner Roy set before him. He was to busy thinking about how he was going to tell his two friends that for nine months, his boss used his lack of work skills against him to use him as he saw fit. He was so afraid that when he told Roy and Billy that his old boss forced him into an unwanted sexual relationship that involved abusive behavior. He was so afraid.

Roy took the dishes into the kitchen and began cleaning up while Billy stayed in the living room with Johnny making sure the young man didn't run.

^*^*^*^*^*^*

Billy tried to make conversation with Johnny, but the man was just too deep in thought. Billy leaned back in the chair and took a slow drink from his bottle of beer. He knew that whoever had scared Johnny had scared him inside as well as outside. He secretly hoped the son of a bitch was still alive so that he could kick his ass. Billy somehow knew that the perv who beat Johnny was most decidedly male and an authority figure.

Roy re-entered the room bringing three more bottles of beer. He passed out the drinks and sat down on the couch next to Johnny to offer support if needed. Johnny looked at Roy and moved closer. He put his hand on Roy's knee and squeezed gently. It was the first time Johnny had offered something as a show of affection since Roy had known the man. He had touched before but it was always as a friend would touch another friend, this time it felt different to Roy.

Johnny took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He had to tell the rest of the story. "Now where did I leave off?" Johnny took a long pull off the bottle of Bud.

Roy nodded for Johnny to go ahead.

"As the day wore on Richardson kept touching me and making me feel uncomfortable. I didn't really know how to stop it. I mean, the man was my boss and jobs were hard to come by for someone with no experience like me. I went along with what he wanted at first. He was nice about it in the beginning. He only hurt me when I broke the rules he set. Like I wasn't allowed to talk when he was, as he put it, 'playing'. I also wasn't allowed to say anything to anybody. Some nights he'd get real mad for no reason and take it out on me. One night he took away the safe words that he let me use. He gagged me and tied me to this table. I was used to being beaten with a strap or belt from when I was a kid so that I could handle. This time however he used several items, a paddle and a strap and then he used a whip. The whip is what caused most of the scars. I couldn't go to the doctors so I got sick with an infection. I also couldn't call in sick to work because of the boss. He said that if I ever missed a day after one of our sessions then he'd tell my fellow co-workers what kind of a person I was." Johnny stopped to take a drink.

"This went on for a month. Then one night he went nuts. He beat me into unconsciousness and left me lying on the basement floor naked and bleeding. I don't know how long I was there but it was over a day. He then came back and bond me again. This time though he took everything farther. You see, it was never about sex at first. He just liked to control me. This time however he turned it into something vile. He raped me three times before giving me back my clothes and letting me leave. I went back to my apartment and packed my clothes. I worked the rest of the week and picked up my paycheck on Friday. I then lit out and headed to the biggest city I could get to. I only had enough cash to make it to Reno, I then did some things I am not proud of to survive and make the money I needed to get even further away from that bastard. I made some two hundred dollars in one night doing something I am not going to say and then I headed south. I ended up in L.A. the next day. I was now eighteen almost nineteen years old and still looked like a kid, a very young kid, therefore the cops harassed me as often as they could until I finally got into the fire academy. It was my first real job that I didn't have to worry about certain things, like being put down for the way I looked and talked. Well, at least it doesn't happen to me too often and I am used to it so it really doesn't bother me. Well, that's not true either." Johnny finally let a small smile show on his face.

Roy sat forward and dropped his head in his hands. He felt the tears rolling down his face unbidden. He lifted his head and looked at his friends face. "I am so sorry you had to go through all of that Johnny. I want you to know that I will never do anything like that to you. I love you and I could never ever hurt you."

Johnny leaned in so that he was within reach of Roy and put his arms out. Roy gladly took the invite and pulled Johnny into his arms. He hugged Johnny with all his might softly kissing the face and neck of the man he could now call lover.

^*^*^*^*^*^*

Johnny stayed in Roy's arms for a long time. He didn't want to look at his friends and see how much they hated him and loathed what he had done. Roy sensed the tension in the young mans body and pushed him back, "Johnny?" he quietly asked seeing the pale face. "What's the matter, Love?"

Johnny couldn't believe it. When he looked at Roy all he saw was love and adoration. He didn't know what to say. "Roy? You don't hate me?" The voice that spoke these words was quiet and full of fear.

"Why would I hate you. I love you, you goof." Roy held Johnny closer to his chest and rubbed his hands up and down his lovers back.

"You don't hate me? How can you not hate me after what I just told you? I don't understand." Johnny was still using his little boy lost voice.

"I could never, ever hate you Johnny. You are very special to me. I don't give a damn about what you did or didn't do to survive when you were younger." Roy tried his best to get through to Johnny that he was loved.

Billy knelt down beside the couch and put his hand on Johnny's leg. He spoke quietly to the two men. "Johnny, no one here will ever hurt you physically or emotionally on purpose. There will be times when something is said or done that will hurt you but rest assured it was done unintentionally."

Roy agreed with Billy and removed himself from Johnny's grasp so that he could look at Johnny's face. He still saw the hurt and fear there but he could also make out the love. He lightly brushed his lips over Johnny's and smiled at his lover.

"I love you John Gage." Roy smiled at John.

"I love you too, Roy DeSoto." Johnny said with a stronger voice.

Billy stood up and looked at both men. "Well I guess my work is done here. If ever you need me, knock on the wall and I'll be here."

Both men stood and shook hands with Billy and showed him out. Then Roy took Johnny's hand and led him to the bedroom.

^*^*^*^*^*^*

Johnny was lying in Roy's arms sleeping deeply. Roy's hand slowly moved from Johnny's ass up his back and back down. The sound of the men sleeping was comforting.

Roy woke first and untangled himself from Johnny. He went into the bathroom and relieved himself. He stepped into the shower and leaned against the wall running last nights events over in his mind. He smiled as he thought about the pleasure he'd given the love of his life. He thought of Johnny and all the man had been through in his life. He wanted to make all the pain and fear go away. He wanted to make him whole again.

Johnny woke to the sound of the shower. He climbed slowly out of bed smiling at the stiffness and soreness of his body. He headed for the bathroom and did his thing. He then quietly stepped into the shower behind Roy. He ran his hands up Roy's back and pulled the man to his chest.

Roy leaned back into Johnny's strong arms. He turned his head and captured Johnny's lips with his own. The kiss was hot and sizzling. Their tongues dueled for dominance. Neither man was willing to give in. Hands roamed over bodies that they had spent the night learning. Roy felt himself responding to Johnny's soft, tender touches. Johnny turned Roy around and knelt down. He kissed his way down Roy's chest working slowly to Roy's hard member.

Roy hissed as he watched his cock disappear into Johnny's hot mouth. He placed his hands on either side of Johnny's head and laced his fingers through then thick black hair, pulling the hair in time to Johnny's movements. Together the two moved in perfect sync, cumming together with out Johnny's cock having been touched.

They took turns drying each other off after their 'shower' playing and giggling like school kids. They kissed and nipped each other leaving little love bites on each others necks.

^*^*^*^*^*^*

Roy and Johnny went to the station to show everyone that they were still alive. Johnny was feeling as if everyone knew what he had been doing with Roy, so he stayed quiet.

"Hey there Pal." Captain Stanley placed a hand on Johnny's shoulder.

Johnny visibly flinched but did not shrug his bosses hand off. He turned to face the man, "Hi Cap. Miss me?" he half joked.

"Nah, it has been kinda quiet without you twits here though. I do miss the noise." Captain Stanley joked back.

John grinned at his boss happy to feel a part of a group. He left the room whistling, heading for the bay and to see who he could find. Roy had gone into the locker room to get a book out of his locker. He had wanted to get some studying done. He had a refresher course scheduled over the next weekend and he wanted to be ready. Johnny was planning on helping him study. Johnny's course was to be the following month.

Roy stepped out of the locker room into the dorm. He said hello to Marco and Mike, who were cleaning the room. He then noticed that Chet wasn't around. He walked out the door into the bay and then he heard it. Chet was talking in a hushed voice to Johnny. Roy noticed that Johnny was as white as a sheet. He fully entered the room and stayed behind the engine to get the low down on what Chet was saying to his lover.

Marco had watched Roy hide behind the big engine so he quietly came out of the dorm to stand by Roy. "Hey amigo, what's going on?"

Roy turned and looked at Marco and saw nothing but concern in his coworkers face. "It's Kelly. He's saying shit to Johnny again and I don't know how to put a stop to it without going to the Cap. I don't want Johnny mad at me for interfering but I don't want to see Johnny hurt either. Roy stepped from behind the engine and sent Johnny a silent signal. Johnny just barely made eye contact while he continued listening to the mean things Chet was saying about Johnny's fear of being left alone at work.

"So Johnny babe, you still need Roy to baby-sit you when your on shift? I mean grow up Gage. No one wants a cry baby on their team. You need to start pulling your weight around here." Kelly was sounding perturbed.

"You know nothing about it Kelly, so get off my back." Johnny tried to walk away but Chet wasn't finished with him yet. He grabbed Johnny by the upper right arm. He was not expecting the reaction he got from Johnny. He pulled his arm out of Chet's grasp then swung around connecting solidly with the Irishman's chin. Chet went down on his ass shaking his head. He jumped up and tried to restrain the young paramedic. Roy came up to them at that time and instead restrained Chet. Cap. Stanley came out of his office in time to witness Chet grabbing Johnny and Johnny swinging.

"Kelly! Gage! in my office now!" Hank turned on his heel and headed back into his office.

Chet entered the room first, he sat down on the chair nearest the door, leaving the one by Cap's desk open. Johnny came in with his head down and sat down on the open chair.

"Chet, would you tell me what this is all about?" Cap. Stanley had little patience for the firefighter.

"He slugged me is what! I didn't do a damn thing to the guy. I was just talkin' to him and he hauled off and punched me." Chet tried his best to sound like a victim.

Hank turned to Johnny, "Well, John. Is that all that happened? Is what Chet said the truth?"

Johnny couldn't look at his boss. This was the first time he'd been in any real trouble with the man and he was being inundated with memories of a prior boss, whose idea of punishment was some time tied to the spanking bench in his basement. "I guess." Johnny said in a small voice.

Hank didn't believe the paramedic for a minute. He dismissed Chet telling him to go clean the latrine since he obviously needed something to do. He was then alone with Johnny.

Johnny looked from his boss to the door. He was visibly upset and Hank couldn't understand it. "Relax pal. I don't bite."

That was just the wrong thing to say. Johnny looked up at Hank with eyes as wide as saucers. He tried to speak but couldn't stop the stuttering. He knocked over the chair he was sitting on as he headed for the door. He fumbled with the knob and finally was able to flee. He ran straight into Roy's arms.

Hank followed watching as Johnny clung to Roy, begging him to be taken home. Hank didn't know what he did that set the man off. He looked at Roy, who shrugged and mouthed 'later' at his boss. He got Johnny out to the Rover and settled in the passenger seat. He closed and locked the door then headed back in. He went to Hanks office and knocked on the door.

"Come." Hank called out.

Roy entered the office and stood in front of the desk. "Cap, I'm sorry about what happened. Johnny is going through some painful therapy sessions and memories are starting to emerge. He isn't mad at you, just scared. I wish I could say more about what happened but I promised I wouldn't mention it to anyone with out Johnny's permission."

"I'll try to understand Roy, but I need to know how this will effect his work." Hank said.

"We'll be back to work on Tuesday and I don't see any problems with Johnny working. As long as I'm with him, until the therapy has eased up, I think Johnny will be okay. I will let you know if there is any problems though." Roy hemmed and hawed around the real reason for Johnny to be acting the way he has.

Roy left and headed out to the car to drive Johnny home. Once there he held his lover in his arms for several hours while Johnny cried out his fear. It took over an hour for Roy to get the story out of Johnny, but when he had it he was royally pissed at Chet for starting the whole thing. Johnny was so afraid that he had lost his job after running out of the office like that.

Roy calmed Johnny down then called Captain Stanley. He wanted Johnny to be reassured that he was not in trouble with his boss. Once Johnny was convinced it was easier to stay calm.

Roy spent the evening showing Johnny just how special he was. He took him out to their favorite Italian Restaurant. Then a moonlit walk on the beach, finally culminating back at the apartment in the master bathroom's tub.

Roy looked down at Johnny sleeping in his arms. He marveled at how young his lover looked in his sleep. He was content just holding the sleeping lover, forgoing sleep himself.

^*^*^*^*^*^*

Roy thought back on what brought them together as lovers. He said a silent thank you to his ex-wife and kissed the top of Johnny's head as he drifted off to sleep.

^*^*^*^*^*^*

Johnny woke up early. He was still a little weary. He knew that Roy loved him for who he was and didn't care what he'd done as a teen and young adult. Of course Roy didn't know exactly what Johnny had done while traveling to L.A. and what he did when he first arrived in L.A., the memories were just too much for him to deal with at the moment. He turned and found that Roy was still holding tight to him. He ran his fingers through the hair on Roy's chest lightly. He felt the goose bumps rise on his loves chest. Johnny giggled at the way this felt on his hands.

Roy looked down when he heard the giggling. He smiled when Johnny looked up at him with the little smirk on his face. "Good morning, love."

Johnny liked the way that sounded. "Mornin'"

Both men rose at the same time and headed to the bathroom. They did their morning rituals and went into the kitchen to make breakfast. Both men ate in companionable silence. Roy was thinking about what had happened over the past two days. He was glad that Johnny had found a friend in Billy Two Feathers to help with the demons that were haunting his lover. He knew deep down that Billy was still going to be coming over to help Roy when things got rough for Johnny.

While Roy was in silent contemplation, Johnny was watching a bird as it ate out of the feeder that he had put up on the balcony. He was wishing he could be an Eagle and fly away from all the pain and fear that he had in his life. The only thing he was sure of was that he still had his job. He was not however looking forward to working with Chet Kelly. He knew that he hadn't lost his job, but he still needed to be punished for hitting a coworker. He only hoped it wouldn't be too painful. He didn't want to have to work with too much soreness.

Roy could see the wheels turning in his lovers head. Hell, he could practically hear them. "I don't think you have to worry about what's going to happen when we go to see Cap today. He was more mad at Chet than you yesterday. And I did promise you that I wouldn't let you get hurt. I mean it too. No one is allowed to hurt you physically or emotionally. Believe me, please."

Johnny looked at Roy, wanting to believe. He took a deep breath then leaned in and brushed a quick kiss on Roy's lips. He then went out to the balcony to watch the clouds move over the distant mountains. As he left the room, he was heard whispering, "I'll try. I want to believe."

Roy's heart broke a little hearing that dejected sound in his lovers voice.

^*^*^*^*^*^*

Roy and Johnny arrived at the station fifteen minutes before their appointed time. Johnny was still very nervous no matter what Roy said or did. He was certain that he would lose his job and maybe face criminal charges. He knew he needed to be punished, he just knew that if he went to jail, he couldn't live. He would die, surely as he stood there.

Hank had informed HQ that he had a disciplinary problem and that he needed one hour to take care of it. HQ stood the station down.

Hank and Chet met with Roy and Johnny in the dayroom. They sat at the kitchen table with cups of coffee for Roy and Hank, Chet had a soda and Johnny was sticking with water, he had a dry mouth and he knew that only water would help.

Hank started the meeting. "Now, Johnny, you admit to hitting Chet Kelly with your fist?"

Johnny spoke in his quiet, little boy voice, "Yes, sir."

Hank was startled by his paramedics reaction. "Okay, usual policy calls for the person who threw the punch to be suspended for two weeks without pay. At this point, since Chet instigated the altercation by physically trying to restrain John, both parties are to be suspended. Chet, you will be suspended as of the end of this shift, I couldn't find a replacement for you or you would have been out of here earlier. No pay for two weeks. Johnny, since you were not on a scheduled shift and visiting while on Medical leave, you will not face the suspension the same as Kelly, you will still receive the disability pay but you will have another week added to your time off. This will go into your jacket as being a disciplinary situation. Any questions?"

Chet stood up and looked at Gage, "It's all your fault that this is happening and you're getting away with it. I hope you're happy!" Chet made to leave the room, but Hank stopped him.

"That's enough Kelly. The way I see it, Johnny should be mad at you. You're causing him to take another week off before he comes back after his health forced him to miss work. If you hadn't touched him, this whole incident would've been avoided."

Johnny sat there with his head down, they almost missed what he said. "He's right Cap. It is my fault. I should be suspended just like he is. I don't deserve the treatment you have given me Cap. I..." Johnny couldn't go on.

Roy spoke first. "That's not true, Johnny, you DO NOT deserve to be treated any different then you have been."

Hank stood to put a hand on Johnny's shoulder to show that he was supporting the younger man, Johnny visibly flinched. "I'm sorry Cap," He whispered. "If you need to punish me more then that's your right. Just give me some time to get my head set."

Hank was at a loss, he looked to Roy for confirmation. Roy looked back at his superior then at Johnny. "Johnny?" He started, "Remember what I told you yesterday. No one, and I mean, NO ONE is allowed to hurt you ever again."

Chet paled visibly as Roy's words and Johnny's actions sunk in. "I'm so sorry Johnny. I didn't mean to upset you yesterday. I would never hurt you."

Hank sank back in his chair and ran his hand through his hair. "John, I would never think to hurt you or any one on this shift. If you ever encounter someone who threatens or forces you into a situation that could lead to you being hurt, then you are to come to me or Roy and we will take care of it. Is that clear?"

Johnny shook his head in the affirmative. "Yes sir." He said a little stronger than before.

Roy nodded to his boss and helped Johnny out of the room.

^*^*^*^*^*^*

Johnny and Roy spent the next two weeks at Roy's cabin in Big Bear, just east of Los Angeles. They sat on the couch watching the snow fall and making slow passionate love.

Johnny still went to Billy for therapy, but the nightmares were coming to an end. Johnny never did tell Roy what he had done to earn traveling money and Chet Kelly changed the way he acted around Johnny.

Now don't get me wrong, Johnny is still Chet's favorite pigeon, it's just that Chet doesn't go out of his way to physically restrain Johnny and he touches his friend with consent only.

^*^*^*^*^*^*

the end for now.
watch for more stories about
our two favorite paramedics and their
friends on a-shift.
kris

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