I Can't Fight this Feeling
copyright 2002

Part one

Roy DeSoto stood just outside the apparatus bay watching the object of his desire mop the floor. He smiled when Johnny tripped over the bucket he had left in his own path.

"Have a nice trip?" He asked.

"Ha ha, not funny, Roy." Johnny sneered at his partner. "I could use a hand though."

Roy smiled and started clapping his hands.

"Oh, this is just great. I'm stuck with Jack Benny today. That's all I need." Johnny threw the mop down on the floor. Just as he drew in a breath to continue his tirade he was besieged with a coughing fit. He bent over putting his hands on his knees to brace himself.

"Johnny?" Roy went over to his friend. "Hey, take it easy." Roy rubbed circles on Johnny's back. "Try to straighten up."

Johnny just couldn't seem to draw a deep breath between the bouts of coughing. He stayed doubled over. Roy helped him walk over to the back of the squad and sit down.

"Hey, Cap!" He called out to his boss.

Hank Stanley came out of his office looking for his paramedics. He found Roy removing the drug box and biophone from the squad's compartments. "What's wrong, Roy? Johnny slip again?"

"No, Cap. He started coughing and can't seem to stop. He's not running a fever that I can tell, but with him, that's not unusual. Ever since that virus six months ago, he's been susceptible to just about any bug that comes along. Plus he ate a lot of smoke at that last fire, so I'm not really surprised with the coughing, what I don't like is the trouble he's having breathing." Roy explained to his superior.

Just then Chet called out to Roy. "Uh, Roy! I think you better hightail it over here."

Roy and Hank hurried to Johnny's side. Johnny had his head flung back and was clawing at his shirt trying to get the buttons undone. Roy took his hands. "Cap, get Rampart on the line and get an ambulance out here."

"Easy Junior. Let me get that for you." Roy quickly undid the buttons, removing the shirt afterwards. He saw the sweat on Johnny's face and the way his chest seemed to be heaving. "Having problems breathing there, kid?"

Johnny nodded his head and gave Roy a 'no shit' look. He then lifted his hand trying to grab Roy's hand. "Can't...."

"Shhh, don't talk. Mike, can you grab the..." He turned and found Mike Stoker standing there getting the oxygen set up. He looked around and saw that Marco was opening up the drug box and putting together the Nebulizer. "Thanks, guys. Cap, you got Rampart?"

"Yea, here." He then handed Roy the handset.

"Rampart, this is Squad 51, I have a male, age 25, having difficulty breathing. He started with a coughing fit, then couldn't seem to catch his breath. Pulse is 30 and bounding, resps 26 and shallow, stand by for b/p." Roy threw the handset down and started taking Johnny's b/p.

Joe Early was at the base station when the call came in. "Wonder what's happening, they didn't get a call." He turned towards the mike, "51, do you have a name?"

"10-4 Rampart. It's Johnny. B/P is 167 over 92. I started him on 6 litres of O2, request a Nebulizer."

Joe shook his head and looked at Dixie McCall. "Johnny doesn't have asthma." Making a note on the chart he shrugged. "Agreed, 51. Start an IV Normal Saline TKO and start the treatment. Has the ambulance arrived yet?"

"Affirmative, Rampart. IV Normal Saline TKO, Nebulizer. We'll be ready to transport in three minutes. ETA seven minutes." Roy broke connection to set up the IV and start the treatment. "Hang in there, Johnny. We'll get you taken care of."

Johnny held the Nebulizer in his right hand as Roy started the IV. He grimaced as Roy slid the needle in. "Ouch!"

"Hold still Johnny." Roy finished taping the canula in place and attached the tubing. He then taped it all down and adjusted the drip. "Hope they don't have to give you any steroids or Eppy, Johnny." He then looked up to see the ambulance attendants there with the gurney. "Let's keep him upright."

They loaded Johnny into the ambulance and Roy jumped in with the drug box and biophone.

"Kelly, take the squad in." Hank told his fire fighter.

"Right, Cap." Kelly ran to the squad and followed the ambulance to the hospital.

Part two.

Roy watched Johnny while they rode into the hospital. "Getting better there, Pal?"

Johnny nodded. He pulled the plastic part out of his mouth to speak. "Yeah, a little. Chest hurts though." Johnny's left hand started rubbing circles in the middle of his chest.

"Put that back in your mouth." Roy then placed his hand on the same spot that Johnny was rubbing. Counting slowly he cursed. "We're almost there. Just hang in there."

Johnny sighed as he laid his head back. Now not only was his chest hurting, but his wrist where Roy had started the IV and his head. "Feel like shit, Roy."

"I don't doubt that. Why didn't you say anything earlier?" Roy was a little upset at his friend.

Johnny just shrugged. Typical Gage reaction.

Dr. Joe Early and nurse Dixie McCall were waiting for the ambulance to back into the ER bay. Joe opened the door before the attendant could. "How's our boy, Roy?"

"Breathing a little better, still some wheezing, and chest pain. I think he has a headache too." Roy said as they moved Johnny out of the ambulance.

Johnny gave Roy a look. 'How'd he know?' He asked himself.

"Trust me, Junior. I know you." Roy laughed at the look. "Let's get you taken care of."

They got him into treatment room two. Dix and Roy helped get Johnny out of his undershirt and pants and into a gown. "I know how much you hate these, Johnny, so we're only going to use it to cover up your cute butt." Dixie winked at the shy paramedic.

Joe listened to Johnny's chest and back. He then had Dixie give him ten milligrams of Prednisone. "Let him take it by pill, no need to be stickin' him if it's not needed." Joe winked at Johnny.

Johnny had finished the first treatment and was on plain oxygen, although he had it on via mask. He removed the mask and sneered. "This is just great. Kick a guy when he's down. Some friends I got." He then drew a deep breath and started coughing again. "FUCK!"

"Now, now, no need for profanity." Dixie chastised the man. "Here, is this better?" She raised the head of the exam table just a bit more.

Johnny nodded. He gave a thumbs up.

"I gotta call Cap then head back to the station, Johnny. I'll check in on you a little later." Roy left the room.

"How's John?" Mike Stoker asked as Roy exited the squad.

"Dunno. They're running some tests. They were just getting ready to send in a respiratory therapist when I left. Hope it's not to serious." Roy headed for the day room and coffee.

"Wow, me too." Mike sat at the table and began reading the paper. "It says here that the incidence of Asthma in adults is on the rise in Los Angeles. It seems the air pollution is causing more attacks among young adult males who are not native to this area." Mike read aloud.

"Let me see that!" Roy reached over to snag the Times from Mike.

"Hang on." Mike moved out of Roy's reach.

"Well, what else does it say?" Roy was interested now.

"It says that about twenty percent of the afflicted patients had to leave the LA area for places like Arizona, or in some cases going back to where they came from. Interesting." Mike finished.

"I need to call the hospital. I mean, Johnny's young, right? And from a relatively clean place. He said he grew up in South Dakota or something like that." Roy dialed the hospital number.

"Rampart Emergency, Dixie McCall speaking." Dix answered.

"Hey, Dix. How's the boy wonder?" He asked softly.

"Not to good, Roy. We were just getting ready to call you. Can you get away?" Dix tried to keep her emotions in check.

"Hang on." Roy put the call on hold then went to Hank's office.

"Come in." Hank said at the knock.

"Uh, Cap? I'm on the phone with Dix, she said I'm needed at the hospital. Johnny's not doing as good as I thought he was." Roy spit out.

"Hang on." Hank picked up his phone and dialed headquarters. "Hi Chief."

Roy watched as his boss got two replacements and a weeks' leave for his paramedic and sick leave for Johnny. "Yeah, his insurance should be raised. Let me know if the geeks in the office start bitchin'. I'll remind them that Johnny's one of the best fire fighters and paramedics the county has seen."

Roy smiled at that.

"Thanks, Chief. Yes, I'll tell him. Good bye." Hank looked at Roy. "What are you waiting for. Get! Go take care of Johnny."

"Yes Sir!" Roy practically ran out of the office and into the locker room.

"What's that all about?" Chet asked as Mike picked up the receiver.

"Miss McCall? Mike Stoker here. Roy's on his way. Yes, I'll tell him. Goodbye." Mike then headed for the locker room leaving behind a confused Marco Lopez and Chet Kelly.

Roy looked up as Mike entered the room. "Oh, shit! I forgot about Dix."

"I took care of your phone call. I just wanted to talk to you for a minute before you leave." Mike looked down at his shoes. "Johnny's, uh, special, you know?"

"Yea, he is." Roy nodded.

"I just don't want to see him hurt." Mike said then left the room.

"I won't hurt him." Roy said to the swinging door. He then closed his locker and left the room.

Johnny was lying in the bed listening to the whooshing of the respirator that they had him on. He was tired but couldn't sleep. He was also very scared.

'Why do these things happen to me?' His mind kept coming back to that one question. 'Was I that bad as a child? Did I piss off the Gods somehow? What did I do?' Johnny reached up to scratch his nose.

Roy opened the door slowly. "Hey there Junior." He said as he came into Johnny's view. He had been shocked to learn that Johnny was having even more trouble breathing due to the smoke he'd taken in at the fire that morning.

Johnny raised his hand up and down. Rocking it back and forth in the process. 'Wish I could tell him how scared I am.' He thought to himself.

Roy pulled up a chair close to the bed. "A little scared there?"

Johnny nodded.

"I know. It's only for a little while. They want to give you a rest so your lungs can heal. Dix said you had a case of Pneumonia workin' it's way in and they didn't want it to take hold. You can't afford that after that virus 'bout did you in." Roy grabbed Johnny's hand and squeezed. "Don't worry. I'll be right here until you're ready to come home from the hospital."

Johnny finally gave into the sleep he so desperately needed. Roy sat beside his friend watching him sleep. Listening to the monitor beep and the respirator whoosh with each breath it forced into Johnny's battered lungs. He said many a silent prayer as he sat there.

Joann DeSoto walked into the room a couple of hours later. She smiled when she saw her ex-husband sleeping slumped in his chair with his head on Johnny's bed. She walked over and gently shook his shoulder. "Roy?"

"Wha?" Roy looked around. "Oh, hi Jo. Guess I fell asleep."

"How's Johnny?" She asked. She loved both men with all her heart. She had just been unable to stay married to Roy any longer. She let him see the kids as often as he needed and stayed in the city.

"Better. They just want to give his lungs a rest. I, uh, took a week off work." He was worried his ex-wife would be mad at him missing work and pay.

"You do what you need to do Roy. Don't worry about making this month's payment. I understand, the kids love Johnny too, you know. He and you are very important to us. You take care. I'll be back tomorrow to visit, if he's still here. Do you need me to bring anything?" Jo was always understanding.

"Nah, I'm going to go back to the house in a bit and shower and change before heading back. I'll bring Johnny's stuff then. Thanks, Jo." Roy kissed her on the cheek and gave her a big smile. "You're so special to us. Don't ever forget that." He whispered in her ear before she left the room.

Johnny stayed in the hospital a total of three days. He was sent home with explicit orders to take it easy for two weeks and to take all his medications. No riding of his horses or working in the barn around the hay or even mowing the lawn was allowed. He was put under the care of a renowned respiratory therapist and an allergist to get a handle on his breathing problems.

Meanwhile, Roy spent his week with Johnny then returned to work. This left Johnny with a lot of time to think.

One day, he sat down at his desk and took pen to paper to write out what he'd been thinking about.

'I was listening to the radio the other day, Roy and I heard this song that spoke to me. I want to share it with you.'

Johnny then wrote out the lyrics to the song.

I can't fight this feeling any longer
And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow
What started out as friendship
Has grown stronger
I only wish I had the strength to let
it show
I tell myself that I can't hold out forever
I say there is no reason for my fears
'Cuz I feel so secure when we're together
You give my life direction
You make everything so clear

And even as I wander
I'm keeping you in sight
You're a candle in the window
On a cold dark winter's night
And I'm getting closer than I
Ever thought I might

And I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fightin' for
It's time to bring this ship into the shore
And throw away the oars forever

'Cuz I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fightin' for
And if I have to crawl upon the floor
Come crashin' through your door
Baby I can't fight this feeling anymore

My life has been such a whirlwind
Without you babe
I've been runnin 'round in circles
In my mind
And it always seems
That I'm followin' you love
Cuz you take me to the places that
Alone I'd never find

Johnny looked at what he wrote and sighed. 'Sure hope Roy doesn't get mad at me. I hate it when he's mad at me.'

Tucking the letter into an envelope, Johnny left it on the kitchen table before going up to shower. He had to go in to see his doctors that morning and he knew he wouldn't be home when Roy got home from his shift.

He read the words that Johnny wrote and the lyrics to the song. Wiping his eyes, Roy went to Johnny's roll top desk and pulled out a piece of the same paper and another envelope. He then sat down at the desk and began to pour his heart out.

John,
When I'm feeling blue, all I have to do
Is take a look at you then I'm not so blue
When you're close to me I can feel your heart beat
I can hear you breathing in my ear.
Wanna know more? Meet me tonight. Seven o'clock, your bedroom.
Roy

Roy sealed the envelope and put it on the kitchen table along side the other one. He then went upstairs and showered. He had a big night of romance to plan for.

Roy spent the better part of the day shopping. He wanted everything to be perfect from the dinner he had planned to the night of love he prayed would happen.

First he stopped at the department store. He went searching for dark blue satin sheets and matching comforter. He found what he was looking for at Joslins, then he was on to get a hair cut and manicure. Once that was done he stopped at the grocery. Shopping there was slow as he wasn't sure what to cook for his soon to be lover.

Pushing the cart up and down the aisles, Roy thought over all the things he'd seen Johnny eat in the time he'd known him. 'Let's see, he loves burgers and hot dogs, but those are so not romantic, then there's the steaks he barbequed last weekend, now those were good. Vegetable, Johnny'll eat just about any veggie you sit in front of him as long as it's not rhubarb or asparagus. I know, Filet Mignon and twice-baked potatoes, with broccoli smothered in a cheese sauce and a tossed salad. Fresh baked French bread and something without chocolate for dessert.' Roy searched out all the ingredients he'd need.

Two Filets, three potatoes, a bunch of broccoli, two pounds mild cheddar cheese, two kinds of lettuce, tomatoes and celery all found it's way into the cart as Roy continued his trek around the store. He then stopped in the personal hygiene aisle. Looking around making sure no one else was in the aisle, Roy picked out a box of condoms and two tubes of lubricant. He dropped these into his cart making sure they fell towards the bottom. He then went in search for the perfect breakfast foods and dessert.

Once home, Roy unpacked the car. He took the groceries in first, putting the cold stuff away quickly. He put the key lime pie in the fridge with a plastic bag around it to hide it's contents. He knew that Johnny loved key lime pies and was not about to loose it to Johnny's bottomless pit of a stomach before he was ready to serve it.

Groceries done, Roy put the rest of the stuff away, stripping Johnny's bed and putting on the new sheets and pillowcases. He laid the comforter at the foot of the bed, folded so that it could easily be pulled up to cover cold bodies.

Just as Roy was finishing in the bedroom the door bell rang. "Good, the flowers are here." He said to himself.

Roy tipped the delivery boy an extra buck then closed the door. "Water, these need to be put in water." Roy finished all his chores and found that he wasn't in the least bit sleepy.
 

~~E~~

Johnny was on his way home from the doctors. He wasn't happy. They had given him two new prescriptions and a home Nebulizer kit. "Damn allergies. Probably have to quit the department soon. I just hate this."

As he pulled up the lane leading to his house, he saw the balloons. All red and heart shaped. This caused Johnny to slow his trek up the long dirt path. Usually he drove up the short road as quickly as possible, stirring up as much dust and dirt as he could. He loved to spin his wheels in the gravel.

"Hummm, wonder what's going on." Johnny was thinking. "Roy's probably got a date or something." To say Johnny's mind was on other worries would have been an understatement.

Once out of the truck and with his purchases tucked under his arm, Johnny walked up the steps leading to the front door. He slowly opened it. He normally would have entered from his garage/car port but a car was blocking the way, so he just entered through the front door. He kicked off his boots outside before walking into the house.

Johnny stopped in his tracks when he got to the kitchen. The table had a new envelope along with a vase holding six perfect red roses. Johnny put his bag of drugs and the box with the Nebulizer down on the table. He picked up the envelope and opened it.

He read the note then looked around the room. Roy was no where to be found. "Roy?" Johnny called as he walked through the house.

Coming to his bedroom, he found the door locked. A note was pinned to the door.

"Johnny,
I know you have the curiosity of a cat, but this room is off limits until the time specified in the note. If you need a shower feel free to use the one in the guest bathroom or the mud room. I put some clean clothes for you in both. What I want you to wear tonight is hanging in the closet down stairs. I will be back in forty minutes to start dinner. DO NOT touch anything in the kitchen except what I have marked for you.
Roy."

Johnny took the note down to the kitchen and looked in the fridge. Spying the steaks, his mouth began to water. He then saw a plate wrapped in plastic wrap and with a piece of tape with his name on it.

A ham and cheese sandwich was waiting for Johnny along with two bottles of Pepsi and two Twinkies. Johnny ate his lunch while trying to figure out what Roy had planned.

True to his word, Roy returned forty minutes later and began puttering around in the kitchen. Johnny came in from the barn, yes, he knew he wasn't supposed to be there, but we all know Johnny. Anyway, he walked into the house and washed up in the mud room.

"Hey Roy?" Johnny called as he walked into the kitchen.

Roy was standing at the sink scrubbing the potatoes. He was wearing an apron that belonged to Johnny and said 'Kiss the Kook' and had been a gift from Roy's two kids to Johnny on his last birthday. "Hey Junior. What did the doctors have to say?"

"I'm screwed." Johnny said as he plopped himself down in one of the kitchen chairs after stealing a carrot from the bowl and a Pepsi from the fridge.

"How so?" Roy put the potatoes in the oven and sat down at the table. "Tell me, Johnny."

"Well....it's like this, I have to undergo some allergy tests and the allergist can't get me in for another two weeks. I can't go back to work until they find out exactly what's wrong with me. Hell, Roy, they put me on a treadmill today and I started wheezing inside ten minutes. I mean...fuck, I ran the four-forty in high school, I was a track superstar. Now, I can barely jog without getting all out of breath. It's scaring me." Johnny stopped talking feeling the shortness of breath that precedes the coughing that he'd been doing lately. He reached into the pocket of his sweat pants and pulled out the inhaler he'd been using since his release from the hospital. "I even use this more. It's this feeling I get, like I know my breath is going to come up short, that I'm not going to be able to draw that deep breath or...."

"We'll get through this together, Johnny. I promise." Roy moved over to the chair that was next to Johnny's. He pulled his friend into his arms for a much needed hug of reassurance. "It's going to be all right."

Johnny let Roy hold him. He couldn't remember a time when he'd felt loved. He pushed back. "I need to show you something."

Johnny then went over to the breakfast bar and opened a cabinet beneath the bar. He pulled out the box and the bag. "Doc Connors gave me this. He said I needed to use it three times a day, whether or not I had trouble breathing. I told him I would as long as I could go to the barn and work with the horses. He said okay so long as I didn't spend more than thirty minutes in a two hour time frame with them and I reported any problems immediately. He then gave me these pills to take. They're supposed to help with the cough and keep my chest clear of phlegm when I'm not using the neb."

Roy sat there staring at what Johnny had placed on the table. He saw his friend's whole life changing. He too was scared. "So, you will be able to return to work then?"

"Dunno." Johnny shrugged as he plugged the machine in and followed the directions on it's use. He handed the booklet over to Roy after he read through it. "You might want to read this." He then went over to the sink and got a glass of water. Downing one of the little yellow pills, he smiled at Roy. "I'm gonna go for a walk. At least that I can do."

Roy watched as Johnny pulled his jacket on and headed outside. He frowned thinking that it wasn't that cool outside.

Johnny walked down the path that led to the lake. His land butted up against part of the lake that served all the residents of the area. There were four other houses that Johnny could barely make out. He sighed as he sat on a boulder that had been planted on the shore. He looked at the ducks and geese that lived on the lake.

He was thinking about his future. He ran through his head the conversation he'd had with Dr's Connors and Zappolo.

Earlier that day at Rampart

"Johnny, we're going to run a series of Allergy tests on you in the next week. These will be extensive and would be easier on you if we admit you for forty eight hours." Dr. Zappolo said. He was in his mid forties, with salt and pepper hair and mustache. He had the 'Hollywood' look.

"I agree." Dan Connors stated. "We don't know how you are going to react to the tests and having the hospital facilities on hand will make the procedure go easier on all involved."

Johnny looked from Doctor to Doctor. "Okay. So, when I'm through with the tests, can I go back to work?"

"We don't know. Now, before you start complaining, let me tell you what's going to happen. First, you eat a lot of smoke in your line of work. That in itself irritates the lining of your lungs. Also, being around the ranch has irritants as well, what with the hay and the horses and the chemicals used to treat your yard. Let's face it, John, you're living in a city with some of the most polluted air. You come from South Dakota, where pollution is too many cows in one place, so you aren't exactly used to the irritants in the air here." Dr. Connors watched Johnny's reaction.

"But, I've been living here for almost ten years. Shouldn't I have, I dunno, acclimated to the pollution by now?" Johnny was stunned at what he was hearing. It was almost as if he was going to have to leave the city that took him in when no one wanted him.

"In theory, yes, you should have. You were still growing up until a couple of years ago. You may have reached your full height at what? sixteen? But you still were growing. You have just started filling out with a more adult body, so that's a sure sign that you've stopped growing. Now, you also admit to smoking while you were a teenager, that works against you, as you damaged your lungs and took about ten years off your life those six or so years you smoked." Dr. Zappolo took his turn.

"Okay. I fucked up when I was a kid, I'm paying for it now? I mean, hell, I'm only Twenty-Five. Granted, I've had a hard life since I got to L.A. and more so since I joined the department, but that shouldn't screw me over like this!" Johnny was totally pissed now. "I have no where to go! I can't leave this city! I can't give up my job, my ranch. I've worked too damn hard for this."

"We're not asking you to give all this up. We're just asking you to take it easy until we get this figured out. Now, those chest x-ray's we took when you were in the hospital showed severe congestion. The x-rays we took today show clearing in your lungs, but there's still some spots of congestion that have us worried. We're going to treat the congestion aggressively then go from there. While we're doing that, you will use a home Nebulizer three times a day, plus take medicines to control your cough, and don't tell me you aren't coughing, we heard you while you were waiting. Also, you will continue to use the inhaler and take the oral steroids in the small dosage to avoid problems later when you stop taking them. Any questions?" Dr. Connors looked at Johnny.

"Just one, when should I put my ranch on the market?" Johnny sounded totally dejected.

Both doctors laughed. "Give us time, John. We'll get this under control so you don't have to leave."

Johnny left the office with the prescriptions. He stopped at the hospital pharmacy to have them filled then headed home. He didn't feel like talking to anybody.

Johnny slid down off the rock and headed back to the house. It was getting close to sunset and he had a date to get ready for.

Johnny walked into the mud room and dropped his jacket on the floor. After toeing off his sneakers, he stepped into the bathroom and stripped. A long hot shower would do the trick. He wanted to be in a better mood when he talked to Roy.

Roy was just getting the table set. The steaks were ready to be grilled, the potatoes were done and keeping hot in the warmer. The broccoli was steaming and the cheese sauce was ready. Roy opened a bottle of red wine to breathe and put the finishing touches on the table. He heard the shower turn off a few minutes later.

Johnny pulled on the clothes Roy had moved from the closet to the bathroom. His only pair of white jeans, ironed to perfection and a light blue tank top. He then pulled off the hanger a dark blue silk shirt which he left unbuttoned. Looking around, he found no socks or shoes so he left the bathroom barefoot.

Roy in turn had changed as well. He wore a pair of dark green chinos, loose fit and a lighter green silk shirt over a plain white undershirt. He too was barefoot. Roy whistled at Johnny when he entered the room. "Wine?" He handed Johnny a glass of wine.

"Thanks." Johnny sipped at the tart drink. "So, what kinda stuff you have for me?"

"On the table." Roy pointed to the dining table, set with Johnny's 'good' dishes and silverware. Sitting at Johnny's plate was another one of those envelopes.

Johnny wasn't sure how he felt seeing the envelope. He sat down and opened it, pulling out the piece of light blue stationary.

Johnny,
Wouldn't you agree, baby you and me got a groovy kind of love.
Roy.

Johnny sighed as he put the paper back in the envelope. He looked out the sliding glass door at Roy who was on the deck manning the grill. He stood and opened the door.

Roy smiled when he heard the door open. He wasn't expecting the arms to go around his waist though.

"Yeah, we do, don't we?" Johnny whispered in Roy's ear. He then gently kissed just behind the ear. "When we eating? I'm starved!"

"You're always starved." Roy chuckled. "The steaks are just about done. Go back and sit down. I got it all under control."

Johnny did as he was told and went back inside. He didn't close the door though. The warm breeze that was blowing was helping keep him on an even keel. He was painfully uncomfortable in his jeans. He thought that Roy had picked them out because of how tight they were, then he giggled thinking that he would've worn them anyway.

Roy brought the steaks to the table then ran into the kitchen. He came out with a plate covering a bowl. "Take the plate, Johnny."

Johnny lifted the plate off the bowl and took one of the potatoes. He then passed the plate over to Roy. "Looks good." He said as he spooned cheese covered broccoli onto his plate. "Smells good too."

They ate pretty much in silence. Only occasionally speaking to ask for steak sauce or salt or dressing, but mostly they looked at each other both dreaming of what the night would bring.

Once done, Roy pulled Johnny into the great room and turned up the stereo. "Dance with me?" He asked.

"With pleasure." Johnny let Roy take the lead and felt himself pulled into a strong embrace.

Roy started whispering in Johnny's ear. "Any time you want to you can turn me into anything you want to any time at all."

Johnny felt a shiver run down his spine. He pulled his head off Roy's shoulder and looked at his soon to be lover. Slowly he brought his head closer and felt warm, soft lips meet his.

The kiss was short, almost fleeting, but it was enough. Roy pulled Johnny up the stairs and down the hall. Both men were giggling with excitement and anticipation. Roy pulled the key from his pants pocket and opened the door.

"Close your eyes." Roy whispered.

So, Johnny closed his eyes. He was one of those people who were peekers and Roy knew this. He drew a black silk handkerchief out of his pocket and tied it around Johnny's face. "No peeking."

"Okay." Johnny spoke softly. "Just don't hurt me."

"Never, my love." Roy smiled. "You ready for the rest?"

Johnny could only nod.

"Good." Roy pushed Johnny gently into the room. He pulled the slightly taller man into his arms. "When I kiss your lips... ooh I start to shiver... can't control the quivering inside."

Roy then took Johnny's lips in a searing kiss that was warm, inviting and most definitely full of promise.

Johnny reached up and took the blindfold off. He looked Roy in the eyes and finished. "Wouldn't you agree, baby you and me got a groovy kind of love."

Roy pulled Johnny tight against his body. "Oh, Johnny, I've been waiting for this what seems like forever. I love you so much it aches deep inside."

"Let me take care of you then." Johnny began undressing Roy as he looked around the room. "Did you do this?"

Roy could only nod. The room was bathed in soft candle light and the windows were open to let in the cool evening breeze.

"New sheets?" Johnny ran his hand over the new sheets. "Oh, Roy, you didn't have to buy new sheets."

Roy finally found his voice. "I wanted tonight to be special."

"Just being with you is special, Roy. Don't you know that?" Johnny looked deep into Roy's blue eyes as he ran his hands up and down Roy's chest. "Just tell me this, have you ever been with a man before?"

Roy shook his head. He was slowly loosing himself in the feeling of Johnny's hands stroking his chest and those eyes. "No." He croaked.

"Would it upset you if I said I had?" Johnny dropped his shirt and pulled the tank top over his head. He was glad he had no shoes on.

"Really?" Roy watched as Johnny started to strip. He then reached out and grasped the waistband of Johnny's jeans. "Mine." He whispered.

Johnny smiled as he reached for Roy's waist and his pants. "On one condition, that this," He cupped Roy's hardening member through the fabric of his slacks, "is mine."

Roy cleared his throat. "What ever you want."

Eight

Roy sighed as he thought about all he and Johnny had done that night. He reached inside himself and found that he was truly in love for the last time. He knew for certain that if Johnny ever died, he'd die too.

Roy pulled Johnny closer to him and slipped back into sleep knowing that he would have this man to hold for a very long time. He didn't want to think about what would happen if Johnny had to leave Los Angeles behind for his health.

Johnny laid in Roy's arms thinking the same things that Roy was thinking including the thought of having to leave the city that had taken him into its heart and home.

"What'ch ya thinkin'?" Johnny quietly asked Roy.

Roy felt more than heard Johnny talk. "Huh?"

"What'ch ya thinkin'?" Johnny asked again. He was patient as he knew that Roy was a little slow to comprehend when he was not quite awake.

"'Bout us." Roy answered.

"Yeah, me too." Johnny kissed Roy's chest lightly. "I don't ever wanna let you go. You know? I mean, I don't care what the doctors say, I won't leave you."

Roy pushed Johnny over a bit so that he could look at him. "I'll follow you wherever you have to go. Know this, John Gage, I will not let you get away, nor will I let you make yourself sick staying in this polluted city." Roy sat up against the head board.

"But, your kids." Johnny stammered.

"They can visit. I've talked to Jo about this. I read this article in the paper while you were in the hospital. It said that adult males were succumbing to asthma at an alarming rate and that they were transplants from other less polluted towns and cities. You come from such a place. Anyway, I talked to Jo and told her that I wouldn't leave you to go this alone and if that meant we moved to another city or state, so be it. Jo said that she'd never deny me access to Chris or Jenn so I am free to do what I have to do stay with you." Roy turned his head and looked at Johnny. He was shocked to see tears running down his face. "Don't cry, babe. I'm sorry I upset you."

"Not sad, happy. No one's ever said those things to me before. My parents died before I grew up. I spent the better part of my youth in foster homes where no one loves you. I was lost until I came here when the Tribal Council in Pine Ridge found an Aunt who was willing to take me in. Even then, she acted as if she was just doing her duty, in fact that's what she would say to me when I got into trouble. I tried so hard to be good." Johnny couldn't go on.

"Oh, Johnny. I'm so sorry you had it so hard when you were younger. I'm just glad you're here and I'm here and we're together at last." Roy shifted so that Johnny was almost in his lap. "I never got to finish did I?"

Johnny shook his head. He knew what Roy was talking about. "Finish please."

"When I'm feeling blue all I have to do is take a look at you then I'm not so blue. When I'm in your arms nothing seems to matter my whole world could shatter I don't care. Wouldn't you agree baby you and me gotta groovy kind of love." Roy gently kissed away Johnny's tears. "Don't you know I love you?"

"With all my soul." Johnny said as he returned the kiss.

Roy heard Johnny's whispers while still on the cusp of sleep. He smiled at having been able to make Johnny, the one person in his life, happy. He opened his eyes and looked at Johnny and smiled. "Good morning."

"Morning." Johnny moved so that he was now laying on Roy. "Have I told you lately that I love you?"

Roy smiled as he shook his head. He then captured Johnny's lips with his.

to be continued in the next story

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